Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I miss you Tor

Eleven years ago today my sister got into a car accident and didn’t survive. That’s the way I prefer to say it because it hurts too much to say it any other way. She was 22. It still feels fresh when I allow myself to think about it. My memories of her are fading. It’s getting harder and harder to remember distinct things about her. But some things still linger. I can remember her smell and I remember how soft her hands always were. I remember her mannerisms more than anything. One thing I remember most clearly is the noise she made with her nose when she had post-nasal drip. God, that was SO annoying! Funny how now I’d do anything to hear it again.

The picture I have of her in my head will always be her running up our front steps. I don’t know why. As far as I can remember nothing significant happened when she was running up the steps but that’s what is imprinted in my head. That, and seeing her heading down the street in a blizzard on the snow shoes that I couldn’t WAIT to try. She said she was just going around the block. Hours later when she still didn’t return we were in a PANIC! (Well, to be honest, I was just pissed because now it was dark and by the next day the streets would be plowed and I wouldn’t get to use the snowshoes. I could care less where she was but I suppose my parents were panicking.) Finally she called and said she had walked to her boyfriend’s house (about a 20 minutes drive). It took her several hours but she made it. Since it was now dark and driving conditions were still poor she stayed overnight at his house. I hated her that night. I never did get to use those snowshoes!

Soon after that she came home late one night and woke me up. She excitedly showed me a ring on her finger. When I woke up the next morning I had to ask her if I dreamed it because I guess I wasn’t totally awake. I was so excited for her. She was glowing and I loved her so much that day! (But I still didn't forgive her for the snowshoe incident.)

I guess that’s what I miss the most. The extreme emotions that come along with having a sibling. I feel cheated. No one else can share my childhood memories like her. Sure, I had friends and I’ve always been close to my cousins but it’s just not the same. My cousins have definitely become my surrogate sisters and I don’t know what I would do without them but I can’t help but feel cheated. There is just no replacing her.

Eleven years ago I didn’t realize, I couldn’t realize, how much we both would be missing out on. I hate that she doesn’t know my kids and that they don’t know her. Sure I talk about her and have pictures of her but that’s no stand-in. She would be a GREAT aunt! We always joked that she would be FAV – Favorite Aunt Victoria. I know she would have been. She was mischievous and crazy in just the right way to make her the perfect aunt. I would have loved to see her as a mother too. Would we have similar parenting styles? Would she give me good advice?

She wasn’t without her problems. She had her own demons to contend with but she was fun. She had spirit. She had life. I miss her. I miss her every day. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. Soon it will be 15 years, 20 years, and the pain will still be raw and I won’t be able to hold back my tears even then. But life goes on, there’s no stopping it. So I’ll keep her with me and I’ll remember these words…

Some people come into our lives
and leave footprints on our hearts
and we are never ever the same.

Some people come into our lives
and quickly go...Some stay for a while
and embrace our silent dreams.

They help us become aware
of the delicate winds of hope...
and we discover within every human spirit
there are wings yearning to fly.

They help our hearts to see that
the only stairway to the stars
is woven with dreams...
and we find ourselves
unafraid to reach high.

They celebrate the true essence
of who we are...
and have faith in all
that we may become.

Some people awaken us
to new and deeper realizations...
for we gain insight
from the passing whisper of their wisdom.

Throughout our lives we are sent
precious souls...
meant to share our journey
however brief or lasting their stay
they remind us why we are here.

To learn...to teach...to nurture...to love.

Some people come into our lives
to cast a steady light
upon our path and guide our every step
their shining belief in us
helps us to believe in ourselves.

Some people come into our
lives to teach us about love...
The love that rests within ourselves.

Let us reach out to others
and feel the bliss of giving
for love is far richer in action
than it ever is in words.

Some people come into our lives
and they move our souls to sing
and make our spirits dance.

They help us to see that everything on earth
is part of the incredibility of life...
and that it is always there
for us to take of its joy.

Some people come into our lives
and leave footprints on our hearts
and we are never ever the same.

Some People     By Flavia Weedn

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