A new journey

How does one discover who they are? What makes up a person? How do you decide what kind of person you want to be? I am a mother, a sister, a cousin, a friend, a (soon to be) ex-wife, an athlete, a co-worker. But being a mother doesn't define me anymore than being a co-worker. What makes me uniquely myself? I don’t know these answers and in the last 10 years I have gotten miles further away than when I was 20. So how do I discover the answers? I keep saying that I have lost my identity, that I don’t know who I am anymore. Some of that has been my situation but it’s happened because I let it happen. What makes me happy? There are a million little things that bring me pleasure, the joy of seeing my children blissfully happy playing and laughing tops the list, but that’s not the kind of happy I’m talking about. What makes me happy with myself? What makes me the person I am or want to be? How do I become a person whom I respect? How do I become a person I like? Who am I? I don’t know. I don’t know where to start. 

This process of self-discovery is scary and exciting. I relish the opportunity to find out who I am and who I can be and what I can achieve. But I am also fearful because I don’t know where the starting line is. I do not have directions. I like direction. I can deal with bumps in the road and obstacles thrown in my path, but first I need to be on the path. I want to have a plan. Plans change and that’s ok but I want a plan to start with. So without a plan, with no direction, I feel lost and afraid.

Hindsight has let me see that I lose myself in relationships. I am so desperate for acceptance that I mold myself into what I think other people want so I can gain their acceptance. Except then I’m not myself and on an unconscious level I know it and the other person knows it and it infects the relationship. But to stop that cycle I have to first learn who I am. I need that so I can stay true to myself. That has to be my focus. It's time to become unapologetically (<--that's a word no matter what spell check says) myself. 

Who Am I? This is my journey, starting now…

Lily

Bud's work

Bud brings home a lot of fun stuff from school. They do a lot of neat projects and his teacher pushes them to do challenging work. Writing isn't his favorite thing to practice but he does pretty well and sometimes he comes up with some really great sentences. Like the Father’s Day story he wrote:

My ipod pictures aren’t the best so if you can’t read it, it says:

“The best thing about my dad is when he goes bowling he gives me change so I can play games. He likes to go bowling. His favorite foods are chili, apple pie, and stir fry. Dad knows a lot about…

…nature and animals. I love when we go bowling together because it is fun and I go after he does.”

Doesn’t that make you want to say “Awwww!” I know that was my reaction. But what until you get a load of this one…

Translation: “My sister’s appearance is colorful.”

SUPER AWWWWW!!!! She is colorful! So cute that he recognizes it! 
(I don't think she has man hands though. He probably put emphasis on her hands since she's always touching his stuff. I think this picture is proof that he sees her as two big hands.)

He also recognizes his own talents…

Translation: “My talent is climbing and running.”

Yes, yes it is and he’s so good at both!

But sometimes there are ones that you know what he’s saying but it’s so much better if you read it the wrong way…

Translation: “I made a mistake by spilling Jose on the floor.” 

Poor Jose. I don’t know why Bud spilled you on the floor but I’m sure he’s sorry. Oh wait, Juice. He spilled JUICE. Right. I still like Jose better.

But then there are the ones that you KNOW you are reading wrong but you just can’t quite figure out what he was trying to say. (I even asked him about this one and he sat there staring at it for about a minute saying “It’s ummm, it’s ummm, it’s aaaaaa, yeah I don’t know what I was trying to say.”)

Translation as best as I can figure: “My momdesing some of my shit.”

I, uh, I...I...I just don’t know what he was going for here. I’m a little put off by the profanity. Especially after he told me yesterday that I need to watch my language after I said “Crap!” Sounds like a double standard to me!

But what really gets me is this one. I don’t believe any translation is needed…

But look how well he formed those letters. Not really any confusion on what he was going for. I'm so proud.

In other news, I may get him tested for Tourette’s. 

Lily

7 things

So, needless to say, things aren't great right now. It's easy to fall into woe-is-me pity parties. But I don't like that kind of party so I do my best to keep myself out of them. (This does not always work. A particular friend can vouch for that pretty well...thank you for allowing me to barge into your night when I couldn't stand it anymore. Watching zombies eat people was oddly cathartic.) SO...all this is to say that I sometimes need to remind myself to count my blessings. Even dark clouds have silver linings, right? So here's my list of 7 things I am thankful for right now.

1.  My kids - I seriously doubt my ability to parent at most times but they are the best kids any mom could ask for. Both of them are kind, funny, and smart. I'd like to take a little credit for the way they are turning out. Or at least, I'm not doing anything so bad to ruin any natural tendency to be awesome. I'll take what I can get. 

2.  My family and friends - they have been nothing but supportive through this whole thing and I don't know how I'd be surviving without them. Each of them plays a different but necessary role in keeping me sane. 

3.  My job - I was given a promotion that is effective next month! We are taking on a lot more responsibility and I'll be an integral part of the new initiatives. I am so excited for this opportunity and I'll be learning so many new things. After almost 7 years in the office it's really great to get this type of unsolicited recognition. Especially when I don't feel capable of running the rest of my life, it's good to know they have faith in me.

4.  Volleyball - Lately, volleyball has been my only consistent form of physical activity. It has become my best stress reliever. There's just something about being on the court, working as a team, and dominating the other team working up a good sweat that is just so fulfilling. 

5.  Mexican food - yeah, I realize this is a weird thing to be thankful for but I love it and it's usually gluten free and always delicious. It's pretty much 98% of my diet these days. (The other 2% is candy. I'm a super healthy eater!)

6.  Longer days - while most times I just want the night to get here so I can go to bed again, I am still thankful for longer days (when it isn't raining) so we can be outside riding bikes and laughing. Laughing is good.

7.  Laughing - yeah, this deserves it's own number. I love to laugh and I am so thankful that there are many reasons to still do so. 



I'll leave you with a few picture from our outing this weekend to our local nature conservatory... 

Those faces!

Bud took this picture!

And Babe took this one!

Lily

I've got nothin'

Like any mom, when my kids are sad about something it breaks my heart. I want to fix it and make it all better so they don’t have to be sad anymore. But I don’t really know how to fix this latest thing. You see, Bud is surrounded by girls. He has his sister and me and his grandma and all his girl cousins and all his aunts. He loves them all…but they are girls. Sure he has his dad and grandpa…but it’s 3 against 7 most days (or more if my mom is up or if his other Aunt is up visiting) and it makes Bud sad. He wants more boys around. I have boys on my side of the family but they are 4 hours or more away and Face Time is only so good. One night he tried to convince me I should have another baby…BUT ONLY IF IT’S A BOY!! Sorry kid, I love you, but to paraphrase Meatloaf…I won’t do that!

How do I make him feel better about being the only male grandchild? How do I make him understand that girls have value too? No seriously, how do I do this? Because I’ve got nothing. Every time he brings it up…which is a lot…I don’t know what to say. And now that his dad doesn’t live in the same house he’s only got me and Babe around when he brings itup. At least it used to be even in the house…now the scales are tipped and if there’s one thing Bud is sensitive to it’s injustice. IT’S JUST NOT FAIR! Most of the time when he gets on his jealousy kick I feel it’s ok to pull out the “life ain’t fair kid” speech, but in this case, he really feels so sad about it and I don’t know what to do.

So I’m sorry Bud. I wish I could make you feel better, but I’ve got nothing. 

Lily

Catching up

So we've had a busy few days. Let's start with the bad news and work our way to the good. 

Last night Bud was playing tag at the park and turned to run away and smacked right into a pole! He turned ash white and started to vomit. Awesome. He has a grade 2 concussion. He's doing ok but I have to keep a close watch on him. I had to wake him up every two hours to make sure he was responsive (he was) and we are keeping a cold compress on the bump which has really helped the swelling. Hopefully he doesn't show any symptoms in the next 7 days. 

Let's not dwell and make me freak out that my 6 year old has a concussion, shall we move on?

Moving chronologically, I got my grade in my Shakespeare class yesterday. I got an A-!! Look...

For real, that's MY grade! In Shakespeare. Whoa!

Now to a real scary fun topic! Babe is officially done with nursery school! How is that even possible? She can (mostly) write her name and can do all the skills she should be doing and now she's ready to move on to pre-k in the fall. Holy crap! She had an end-of-year program this past weekend where she looked way older than she should. 

She has the best little smiles

Where'd my little girl go?

She's so beautiful...if I do say so myself

The program was the typical mix of adorable and painful, but there were some moments that stole the show.

The moment she spotted us in the crowd. 

She was soooo excited that we were front and center!

Anyone familiar with the song Tooty-Ta? Hilarious!

Possibly my favorite picture. 

(The little boy is our family friend .)

That little smile!

She looks just like my sister-in-law in this picture. That's a very good thing! :-)

Lily

It's time

I've been wanting to say something for a while. I even have this really gut-wrenching unpublished post written in which I go on and on about how hard of a decision this has been and how I'm constantly doubting my decision because I don't want to tear our family apart. But recent events, better left unsaid here, have forced me to change my outlook on the situation. All doubt has vanished. I am getting divorced.

It still sucks, very very much sucks, but I believe in signs, little ways for God, or the universe, or whatever deity you believe in, to show you that you are making the right decision. I have made the right decision. It is time to move forward. It is not going to be easy. I'm scared out of my mind for what lies ahead. But - it is right. We are toxic for each other. We both deserve better. I cannot forget the past and so I will learn from it. 

The most important thing is that we work together - which will be hard since it's something we weren't able to do as husband and wife, but we have to - to ensure that the kids have the best life possible. We have to put aside our hurt, our resentment, our anger, grief, sorrow, pain, frustration, all of it needs to be put aside so that we can ensure our kids are happy and healthy and well cared for. I want our kids to see that sometimes things don't work out the way you expect, but you make the best of the situation and you move forward, always learning from the past so that you can make better decisions in the future. 

We failed. As husband and wife we failed each other. But it's an opportunity to show our kids that failure is not the end. It's a chance to reset, to start a different path, a brighter path and this time with road signs(!), with experience guiding you in a better direction and allowing you to navigate smarter. 

As much as I wish we could remain a family, I know this is right. We are getting divorced.

Lily

Words make it all worth it

I didn't get breakfast in bed. I didn't get jewelry or clothes. I got something a whole lot better...

From Bud:

1. Mom is really fun

2. Mom is thoughtful

3. Mom is very funny

4. Mom is very nice

5. Mom is very strong

6. Mom is very fast

7. Mom is very smart

8. Mom forgets a lot
(Thanks Bud. He giggled when I read this one. He loved that he could tease me with it)

9. Mom is pretty
(Awww, that's so much better then the time he told me my boobs look weird)

10. Mom loves a lot of people

(Especially a certain little boy and his sister)

The best thing about Mom is she makes me feel better when I am sad. She likes to help us when we need help. Her favorite foods are chili and...

stir fry. Mom knows a lot about reading books. I wish she didn't have to cook so much. (clearly I have not hidden the fact that I hate making dinner) I love when we go to the park.

From Babe:

Yes Babe, I am 5...don't ever forget that!

I do love blue!

Clearly I love chili...too bad they hate it!

Can you guess Babe's favorite song for me to sing to her? (It says Twinkle, Twinkle in case you can't read the teacher's cramped writing)

I do so very much love the restaurant la Iguana! I'm glad she knows it! :-)

She's a fun game player

How can I argue with that? :-)

Bud insisted on calling me "Mother" the entire day. I told him he didn't have to call me Mother just because it was Mother's Day but he informed me that: "I have to! It wouldn't be polite if I didn't!" Well, how could I argue with that! So "Mother" it was...all day! 

The weather left a little to be desired yesterday but that didn't stop us from taking a bike ride to the park and it was the perfect excuse to snuggle on the couch and watch the Rangers win game 6 to force a game 7 watch cartoons until Babe fell asleep leaning up against me. I couldn't have asked for a better Mother's Day!

Lily

Dirty Girl 2013

Before this weekend I'd never imagined it was possible to get mud in the places I had mud. Let's just say I'm no longer going to complain when I go to the beach and get sand in my bathing suit. But dear lord it was worth it!! 

My friends and I participated in the Dirty Girl Mud Run in Scranton, PA this weekend. If you ever get the chance...DO IT!!! You will not be sorry. 

Words don't really do the experience justice, so I'll leave it to the pictures.

We started out looking like this...

and this

So clean!

 (Smidge)        (Jamalee)

                                                               

But we quickly got to the mud!

Dance party in the woods!! Because...why not?

Jamalee's face (the one in the back) capture's her feeling about the net climb absolutely perfectly!

Made it!

Preparing for the slide

It's at this moment that I realize...Oh CRAP!

But it was WORTH it!!

Her expressions are priceless!

Not sure who did it wrong, me and Jamalee, or Smidge and her sisters. 

(I think me and J got it right)

Almost to the end

One more mud pit before the finish line...and a little extra mud for Smidge's face

I love these ladies!

Babe thought she wanted a kiss

Bud was too smart for that!

They had no idea how close they were to being DIRTY! :-)

Fun!

Still fun

Awww yeeeeaaaahhhhhh!!!!

I tried getting video to embed but it doesn't seem to be working so I'm going to ask you to click these link (GASP! I know it's difficult but it's fun, I promise)

Video 1

Video 2

Video 3

Video 4

So as you can see it was an AMAZING experience and one that I can't wait to do again! Once we were done they had a tent with garden hoses (freezing cold garden hoses) to wash off. It was like a locker room on steroids. (I've seen things I can't unsee. **Shudder**) So we all did the best we could to get as much mud off as possible and change into clothes that didn't have 3 inches of mud on them. However, I still had to contend with actually cleaning all of my stuff once I got home.

My bathtub took a beating!

I can't believe how "clean" I was able to get them!

My shirt is now a nice gray color (sorry, I didn't get a post-wash picture) but it was ALL worth it!! 

And while I was busy rinsing out my clothes someone found my iPod and had a little fun

Lily

Overheard conversations - Bud and babe style

I put the kids to bed last night but neither of them was interested in actually going to bed. I was in my room and I was certain I'd have many visits by each of them. I heard Babe's door open, and Bud must have been standing at his door too. The following is the conversation I overheard:

Babe: Bud, I'm not going to hug you or kiss you, I'm just going to sleep in your bed!

Bud: That's ok Babe. Did you turn off Anastasia?
(meaning her movie playing on her tv - yes my 3 yr old has a tv in her room...I'll do ANYTHING to get that child to stay in her room and sleep. Take your judgement elsewhere or I'll send her to your house to sleep.)

Babe: Oh, thanks Bud!! ... Ok, I turned it off!

Bud: Well get in here then!!

I didn't hear a peep out of them for the rest of the night! I love those two! They may sound like an old married couple but I wouldn't trade their friendship for anything although if it would mean Babe would sleep better I might reconsider my position! 

Lily

My boy has become a man

I am pleased to announce that my son has achieved a crucial life achievement.

[Insert fanfare and trumpets here] 

He can officially ride his bike without training wheels! 

There was a lot of blood (his), sweat (most definitely mine), and tears (him), but he finally did it! Let’s just say he started off hesitant (“Don’t you dare let go of me, Mom!!!”) but finished with style (“Mom! Look! I can do tricks! See how I wiggle my handlebars but I don’t fall down!”)

A boy and his bike. 

It’s a beautiful thing.

And just because...

I couldn't let the kids have ALL the fun. 

(Yeah, my kids are going to hate me when they are teenagers)

Lily