Monday, June 24, 2013

A new journey

How does one discover who they are? What makes up a person? How do you decide what kind of person you want to be? I am a mother, a sister, a cousin, a friend, a (soon to be) ex-wife, an athlete, a co-worker. But being a mother doesn't define me anymore than being a co-worker. What makes me uniquely myself? I don’t know these answers and in the last 10 years I have gotten miles further away than when I was 20. So how do I discover the answers? I keep saying that I have lost my identity, that I don’t know who I am anymore. Some of that has been my situation but it’s happened because I let it happen. What makes me happy? There are a million little things that bring me pleasure, the joy of seeing my children blissfully happy playing and laughing tops the list, but that’s not the kind of happy I’m talking about. What makes me happy with myself? What makes me the person I am or want to be? How do I become a person whom I respect? How do I become a person I like? Who am I? I don’t know. I don’t know where to start. 

This process of self-discovery is scary and exciting. I relish the opportunity to find out who I am and who I can be and what I can achieve. But I am also fearful because I don’t know where the starting line is. I do not have directions. I like direction. I can deal with bumps in the road and obstacles thrown in my path, but first I need to be on the path. I want to have a plan. Plans change and that’s ok but I want a plan to start with. So without a plan, with no direction, I feel lost and afraid.

Hindsight has let me see that I lose myself in relationships. I am so desperate for acceptance that I mold myself into what I think other people want so I can gain their acceptance. Except then I’m not myself and on an unconscious level I know it and the other person knows it and it infects the relationship. But to stop that cycle I have to first learn who I am. I need that so I can stay true to myself. That has to be my focus. It's time to become unapologetically (<--that's a word no matter what spell check says) myself. 

Who Am I? This is my journey, starting now…



  1. Wow. Scary. Exciting. Powerful stuff.

  2. Not having a plan is definitely scary. Maybe you just say your plan is discovering yourself a little bit at a time every day? Maybe keep a journal or something. Also definitely exciting in a lot of ways too to embark on the journey!

    Unapologetically is a word for sure.

  3. And I'm here following you along this journey...

  4. You are on your way, sweet lady! Some people never stop and wonder why or want to try and discover themselves. Good luck on your journey!

  5. Wow, Lily. You've set yourself quite a task. Looking back from over the hill, the only thing I can tell you for sure is that the answers to your questions are to be found within, not somewhere out there. And that doesn't help at all, does it?

  6. Exciting and scary, all at the same time. Best of luck to you on this newest journey!