Thursday, April 19, 2012

Cracked maybe...but still half full

I’m a glass half full type of gal. I prefer to see rainbows and unicorns and prancing fairies rather than the pickpocket stealing from the leprechaun or the malnourished kittens. But sometimes that damn unicorn trips over the rainbow, squashes the all the pretty fairies and comes face to face with the dying kittens. I’m left feeling dazed and jaded.

My husband and I are going through a rough patch right now and I find myself once again in a fight for my sanity. We’ve never been the perfect couple (despite what we show the world) and there have been several times I wasn’t sure if we’d make it out the other side.

This time is rough. I find myself randomly singing in my head “Should I stay or should I go” over and over again. The thing is, I want to stay. I want the life we sometimes have to pretend we have. I want to see where we go and how we get there. I want my children to have both parents in the same house. I want to be a happy family.

But I also don’t want my children to see a broken marriage. I don’t want them to think a relationship in turmoil is par for the course and have them fall into the same thing because it’s all they've ever known. I don’t want to be in a perpetual state of anxiety and stress.

We are both to blame. We put on a good show but we are terrible at communicating and gloss things over long enough until they explode. Our last rough patch ended up being very good for us. We started communicating better and things were going well. This latest rough patch just sort of sprang up and made us realize that we were slipping back into our old routines.

Old habits die hard. I’m hoping this time we can keep being honest with each other and stop the glossing over thing that has ruled our lives. It’s not easy. I prefer to gloss things over. But I also see how destructive it is. We both need to man up and face our issues like adults. (Crap, when did we become the adults?)

I wasn’t going to share our struggles here but it’s pretty all consuming and, as you may have noticed in my couple of weeks of silence, I couldn't come up with anything else to write about. I’m hoping getting this off my chest will help the other words flow better. I started this blog to have an outlet. It seems silly that I would go silent just when I need the outlet the most. So there it is. We are broken right now but trying like hell to fix it. 


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  1. I think it takes a lot to acknowledge a problem like this and I think it takes strength and conviction to even want to fix it. So it sounds like you've got the tools you need to make things right and I hope that you'll get over this hump quickly. I can't imagine its easy but just readng your words, you sound very resolved and realistic. Good girl, keep it up. And keep up the "venting" because that always helps to. xoxo

  2. Oh no. :( I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. Know that we're all hear to listen whenever needed.

  3. Thanks for putting this out there. Please know you're not alone! You're not the only wife struggling to keep a marriage alive! You're not the only family trying not to live a facade. It is what it is. But also know, divorce is not what it once was. No longer should you feel you have to sacrifice much more than your husband to save your marriage. no longer must you slowly die 1 day at a time to maintain a crappy relationship! Continue to vent as necessary and I hope in time and work you'll find inner peace. And if that includes your husband then great, and if then no need to stay!

  4. Good luck with everything. It's important to admit that you guys have a problem. At least you aren't like a lot of couples and don't even bother to acknowledge the issue.

  5. Hang in there! Marriage is difficult and anyone who says it isn't is lying. Some days you love them so much it gets and other days you want to pop them in the eye. I hope you guys can work it put. Sending prayers and good thoughts your way!

  6. I'm not married, but I know that maintaining any relationship, friendship or otherwise, is darn hard work. Making the effort to call, stay in touch, get together, get through arguments, forgive misunderstandings, etc, etc. I can only imagine that marriage goes through the roughest patches of them all because the risks are so much higher. Then again, the best things come when you take those risks. My parents' marriage is not exemplary and it often frightens me to think that I might ever be like that, but when I see the happy marriages of other parents I know, or the marriages of my friends, I know that it'll be worth it for me someday. And some of those happiest marriages have gone through some heartwrenching times.

    The best advice I ever heard is that a marriage is NOT 50/50 as the saying goes, but each person has to give 100%. And one of the best quotes I ever read said, “Two individuals approaching the marriage altar must realize that to attain the happy marriage which they hope for they must know that marriage … means sacrifice, sharing, and even a reduction of some personal liberties. It means long, hard economizing. It means children who bring with them financial burdens, service burdens, care and worry burdens; but also it means the deepest and sweetest emotions of all.”

    I think you are a great person. I don't know you personally, but you are so sweet, loving, and supportive even to me--a cyberspace stranger. I can only imagine what a great friend, mother, and wife you are in real life. I can tell that you love your family. It's hard to acknowledge a problem, but you've done it, and you're a hard worker. Everybody goes through rough times and breaking habits is so so difficult. But as with any habit, the only way to break it is to decide whether or not the benefits will be worth the inevitable hard work, effort, and tears. I am rooting for you, no matter what. I hope you can work it out, for both you and your husband, and your children as well. I'm with Michelle, lots of prayers for you from me. :)

  7. Marriage is tough, that is certain, but it is also knowing exactly who to call when you see something only the two of you would really appreciate. It is taking a deep breath and realizing that life isn't always fair and rarely makes sense. It is gritting your teeth instead of saying that last remark. It is finding one new little thing that makes you happy with the same old person. And sometimes, just sometimes, it is as the French would say..."that every now and then you need to not get angry with your husband because they just can't do as much as wives and mothers, so there is no point getting upset about it".


  8. I think it takes guts to talk about the rough spots as much as the happy times. My hubby and I were very near divorce a couple of years ago - marriage is tough shit.

    Best wishes to you on being able to work through this rough spot and start communicating more. You deserve it!

  9. I love that you are normally a half glass full type of person, but this is a very tough thing to write about and it makes you seem that much more real to me.

    First, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Marriage is so much work. And no matter what direction you and your husband choose, know that your kids will be alright.

    And we are here to listen and provide support. We are nice crazy internet strangers, you know. :)

  10. So glad you write about the struggles, a lot of people have them and there is a lot of strength in knowing you are not alone. Marriage is such a joy and such a source for trial. I hope you guys can work on re-establishing the good routines and push through. My husband and I went through months of counseling to try to figure out how to talk to one another without it turning in to something awful. It worked really well for us and I think has made us stronger, as the rough times can.

    I'll be thinking about you. Keep writing though, I often discover things I didn't even know I was feeling until I get it out in "written" words.

  11. I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this :( I can totally understand (we're going through our own trials as we head into our seventh month of this long-distance marriage thing). So, if you need a (virtual) shoulder, I hope you know I'm just an email away. You're in my thoughts!