I’m a glass half full type of gal. I prefer to see rainbows and unicorns and prancing fairies rather than the pickpocket stealing from the leprechaun or the malnourished kittens. But sometimes that damn unicorn trips over the rainbow, squashes the all the pretty fairies and comes face to face with the dying kittens. I’m left feeling dazed and jaded.
My husband and I are going through a rough patch right now and I find myself once again in a fight for my sanity. We’ve never been the perfect couple (despite what we show the world) and there have been several times I wasn’t sure if we’d make it out the other side.
This time is rough. I find myself randomly singing in my head “Should I stay or should I go” over and over again. The thing is, I want to stay. I want the life we sometimes have to pretend we have. I want to see where we go and how we get there. I want my children to have both parents in the same house. I want to be a happy family.
But I also don’t want my children to see a broken marriage. I don’t want them to think a relationship in turmoil is par for the course and have them fall into the same thing because it’s all they've ever known. I don’t want to be in a perpetual state of anxiety and stress.
We are both to blame. We put on a good show but we are terrible at communicating and gloss things over long enough until they explode. Our last rough patch ended up being very good for us. We started communicating better and things were going well. This latest rough patch just sort of sprang up and made us realize that we were slipping back into our old routines.
Old habits die hard. I’m hoping this time we can keep being honest with each other and stop the glossing over thing that has ruled our lives. It’s not easy. I prefer to gloss things over. But I also see how destructive it is. We both need to man up and face our issues like adults. (Crap, when did we become the adults?)
I wasn’t going to share our struggles here but it’s pretty all consuming and, as you may have noticed in my couple of weeks of silence, I couldn't come up with anything else to write about. I’m hoping getting this off my chest will help the other words flow better. I started this blog to have an outlet. It seems silly that I would go silent just when I need the outlet the most. So there it is. We are broken right now but trying like hell to fix it.