No where to go but up

It’s not a big secret that my husband and I don’t have a rock solid, everything-you-ever-wished-for kind of marriage. We have more of the “we suck at this” type of marriage. There have been some major issues and there have been some teeny tiny issues that have festered and have morphed into the stuff nightmares are made of. It’s been a super fun (almost) 8 years.

Recently, things have come to a head and that’s been really fun. I now know what an anxiety attack feels like (nothing like rainbows and kittens in case you were wondering), and we’ve never been closer to just calling it quits. Neither of us really wants to but at what point do we say “this is stupid” and move on? Obviously there are so many different factors to think about. The kids, of course, are the biggest concern. There is no question that both of us love them both beyond words. Neither of us can bear (bare? I suck at grammar and am too lazy to look it up) to think about not seeing them every day or coming home to their smiling faces. If I were to decide that I just can’t keep up the charade anymore and it’s time to move on, I know that the last thing I want to do is keep my husband from seeing our kids. Just because we suck doesn’t mean it has to be a messy situation, especially for the kids.

Ultimately, the effort (and anguish) of dealing with our issues is way better than the alternative. Who knows what the future will bring but for the time being we are going to fight. He has already made tremendous efforts and now it’s my turn to get over the hurt, resentment, and just all the shit that has piled up and been ignored for so long. Once upon a time we loved each other and we need to rediscover the reasons we said “I do” in the first place.

We’ve started counseling and we are both cautiously optimistic that it might work this time. My husband is ready to make everything all better and has made some amazing strides to keep us together.  Who knew that ignoring the issues and letting the resentment build up would make it so hard to forgive and move forward on my end. Huh, conflict avoidance doesn’t work. Who knew? I’m not sure where counseling will take us (we’ve only gone a couple of times) but we are ready to put in the hard work. The hardest part? Letting go, breaking down titanium walls, and accepting that things will be different this time. He’s changed his outlook on life and expectations, and me, and the kids. I sure do hope it’s a permanent change. I sure do hope that I can change my attitude before it infects him and ruins all the hard work he has been doing. I sure hope that we don’t severely mess up our kids in the process. I sure hope I don’t turn frumpy…oh wait, that’s a different post. Sorry. I sure hope that we can look back on the beginning of our marriage and say “wow, we wasted so many years being miserable but I’m so glad we are happy now.” I sure hope we can set a good example for our kids so that they know not to give up, to fight for what you want, to not get complacent with those that you love.

These past few months have been incredibly hard. I’ve shied away from writing because the pain is too raw to show the world, yet it’s all consuming and I can’t find the energy to write about anything else. I’m not depressed but I’m feeling blue. I have been feeling tired, overwhelmed, mentally on the edge, ready to snap, ready to cry, ready to fall down. I’m hoping that feeling ok to write again (about something more than snot build up and trips to NYC) means maybe I’m healing. I might be crazy, ok, I am crazy, but maybe, just maybe, rock bottom is below me and not head-level anymore. Maybe.

Lily