No where to go but up

It’s not a big secret that my husband and I don’t have a rock solid, everything-you-ever-wished-for kind of marriage. We have more of the “we suck at this” type of marriage. There have been some major issues and there have been some teeny tiny issues that have festered and have morphed into the stuff nightmares are made of. It’s been a super fun (almost) 8 years.

Recently, things have come to a head and that’s been really fun. I now know what an anxiety attack feels like (nothing like rainbows and kittens in case you were wondering), and we’ve never been closer to just calling it quits. Neither of us really wants to but at what point do we say “this is stupid” and move on? Obviously there are so many different factors to think about. The kids, of course, are the biggest concern. There is no question that both of us love them both beyond words. Neither of us can bear (bare? I suck at grammar and am too lazy to look it up) to think about not seeing them every day or coming home to their smiling faces. If I were to decide that I just can’t keep up the charade anymore and it’s time to move on, I know that the last thing I want to do is keep my husband from seeing our kids. Just because we suck doesn’t mean it has to be a messy situation, especially for the kids.

Ultimately, the effort (and anguish) of dealing with our issues is way better than the alternative. Who knows what the future will bring but for the time being we are going to fight. He has already made tremendous efforts and now it’s my turn to get over the hurt, resentment, and just all the shit that has piled up and been ignored for so long. Once upon a time we loved each other and we need to rediscover the reasons we said “I do” in the first place.

We’ve started counseling and we are both cautiously optimistic that it might work this time. My husband is ready to make everything all better and has made some amazing strides to keep us together.  Who knew that ignoring the issues and letting the resentment build up would make it so hard to forgive and move forward on my end. Huh, conflict avoidance doesn’t work. Who knew? I’m not sure where counseling will take us (we’ve only gone a couple of times) but we are ready to put in the hard work. The hardest part? Letting go, breaking down titanium walls, and accepting that things will be different this time. He’s changed his outlook on life and expectations, and me, and the kids. I sure do hope it’s a permanent change. I sure do hope that I can change my attitude before it infects him and ruins all the hard work he has been doing. I sure hope that we don’t severely mess up our kids in the process. I sure hope I don’t turn frumpy…oh wait, that’s a different post. Sorry. I sure hope that we can look back on the beginning of our marriage and say “wow, we wasted so many years being miserable but I’m so glad we are happy now.” I sure hope we can set a good example for our kids so that they know not to give up, to fight for what you want, to not get complacent with those that you love.

These past few months have been incredibly hard. I’ve shied away from writing because the pain is too raw to show the world, yet it’s all consuming and I can’t find the energy to write about anything else. I’m not depressed but I’m feeling blue. I have been feeling tired, overwhelmed, mentally on the edge, ready to snap, ready to cry, ready to fall down. I’m hoping that feeling ok to write again (about something more than snot build up and trips to NYC) means maybe I’m healing. I might be crazy, ok, I am crazy, but maybe, just maybe, rock bottom is below me and not head-level anymore. Maybe.

Lily

 

Conversations with Bud

Scene: In the car this morning, Bud droning on and on talking about Pokemon when he suddenly stops.

Bud: He is a Stage 2 Pokemon but he can evolve. Mom, when my nostrils get all stuffed up…uh, I’ll get back to Pokemon in a minute. I have more to say about that. But, Mom, when my nostrils get a lot of snot build up…did you know that Onix can do 20 damage…uh, mom, did you know that when my nostrils get full of snot it makes me have to cough. Superior can do 20 damage to Onix but Onix can do tail slap...

(At this point I fell asleep and swerved off the road from an overdose of Pokemon related discussions.)

(Oh Pokemon, please release my son from your evil grasp!)

Lily

NYC 2012

We took the whole extended family (my in-laws, sister-in-law and niece) down into New York City this weekend to see the American Girl store sights. We had an amazing trip to the Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, a stroll across the Brooklyn bridge, Central Park, St. Patrick’s Cathedral, the American Girl store (my niece drooled when we walked in, I swear it!), and a final stop into my mom’s building to see the sights from the top floor. We couldn’t have asked for better weather and better company! It’s a trip we won’t soon forget.

Here are some of the highlights…

Playing in the water in Battery Park



"Pirate Ship!! Mom, look! A pirate Ship!!"
(Bud was extremely excited about this in case his statement wasn't clear)


View of the Statue from inside the main building on Ellis Island 

 
My husband and Babe (and the Statue of Liberty)


Pretty lady

 
This is Babe's "I'm mad at you and I will stomp my foot" look.
(Clearly I was very worried that she was mad at me. So worried that I held the camera still so I could take a picture even though I was laughing.)


Checking out the sights from the ferry deck.


The statue is so small!


Walking across the Brooklyn Bridge
(Stupid construction blocked our view most of the way. Jerks!)
(It was still an awesome thing to do)


Babe taking her picture with "McKenna" in the American Girl store.
(Dolls = boring)
(Super expensive American girl dolls = boring + major eye roll)

Bud stalking pigeons

(This is how he was walking most of the day. He wanted to catch one so badly!)

How about you guys? Do anything fun this weekend?

Lily

Gasp!

Well hello! Yes, I am still alive. And yes, this is actually a post from me! When you pick yourself up from the floor please continue reading…

Growing up my parents were SO GOOD at shouting things like SUGAR instead of shit, or FROG LEGS instead of the other F word. And the fact that I went to Catholic school kept me pretty sheltered as far as bad words (not all bad words of course, but it was kept to a minimum). I remember one day in particular, (I was probably around 10) someone made a comment about “the F word” and I had NO IDEA what this person was talking about so I asked my mom, she was thrilled. I had never seen her so uncomfortable. She looked up at me through her eyebrows (the classic “are you serious” look), she tried to deflect, but I countered with “Come on mom, I’m not actually going to SAY it, I just want to know.” So she gave in and told me. I really didn’t say it…for a while.

As I entered high school I’ll admit I stared to curse a little (like any good Catholic school girl, am I right?) but it wasn’t my go-to vocabulary. In college though, things changed. (If my mom is reading this right now I know she is starting to cringe…sorry mom.) I wasn’t terrible but I was known to let some colorful language fly in certain situations (in appropriate company only mom!).

I definitely don’t curse as much as I used to, and I try not to in front of the kids, but I will admit I’m not yelling out sugar when I step on lego pieces or Barbie brushes. I don’t know if I was better at holding my tongue when it was just Bud or if he just doesn’t care to imitate me, but Babe…oh boy, Babe! She’s got the mouth of a trucker.

A couple of weeks ago she was picking peas with Bud and their grandma. She was stealing all the peas they were picking and eating them. Grandma told her to pick her own peas if she wanted to eat them. A few minutes later she resumed in grabbing the peas from their bucket. Bud told her to go pick her own and she turned to him and said, “Be quiet you little bitch.” (Am I allowed to be proud that she used the word contextually correct?)

The funny thing is that is not one of the words I use. Rarely do I say it so I can at least say it’s not entirely my fault.

Babe is one to push the limits and see what she can get away with. I’m sure to correct her every time she says a “bad word” but I just pray that she doesn’t go around calling the other kids at pre-school “little bitches.” She could say “Mah bitches” though, that’s totally acceptable.

*****************

In other news…SUPER DUPER MAJOR CONGRATULATIONS to my cousin who got engaged this week! About damn time Wench! I’m so happy and excited for her!!!!

Lily

Smidge Post - The One With The Old Person

Cuz I'm a bad blogger and a good "delegator" (that's a word, no matter what spell check says) and because Smidge is awesome, here is another Smidge post. Happy Friday peeps!

ER’s and why one old person can make it better

Recently I hurt my knee.  At 1^st it was just annoying so I did what every good athlete does, pretended it would go away on its own and kept playing on it. But then I was running down the 1^st base line during a softball game and felt the dreaded “pop” every athlete fears. It then became clear that it was time for me to get a professional opinion. 

It’s important that I tell you that I don’t like Doctors. Because 90% of the time you wait in their offices for hours telling the same thing to 3 different nurses and then get 30 seconds to actually talk with the Doc, who spends most of that time looking at the computer screen and not really listening to what you’re saying. Then they say they aren’t really sure what’s wrong but they can give you something they think will help, hands you a piece of paper and says “you can pay the nurse up front” and off they go. (At least that’s what I think, maybe I need to find better doctors?) 

Anyway I was told by my friend “the nurse” that Monday mornings are the best time to go to the ER because it’s empty. So the next morning I had my younger sister Belle drop me off and I limped inside to wait my turn to talk with a Doctor. As I sat in the corner of the waiting room hoping the triage nurse would call me already so I could get away from the crying baby and other sickly looking people, an old man in a wheel chair came in with his son.  

Another important piece of information about me is that I’m really nosey! I love knowing everyone else’s business. 

So I listened in as the son spoke to the check-in desk. Winds up they are just looking for his mom who was brought in earlier, the Clerk looked up and pointed the two in the direction of his mom’s room. Just as they were about to turn away the Old Man says “wait I want to check in.” The son tries to explain that they don’t need to check in, they are just going to see mom but the old man is insistent, he wants to see a doctor as well. 

At this point I’m FINALLY called back to start my first of many conversations about “why I’m here today” and I leave giving the old man and his son one last look and feeling very bad the poor guy has to go thru this with his mom already sick somewhere.

45 min later I’m waiting alone in my 3^rd waiting room for someone to “come get me” when the old man is brought in with his son, who leaves almost right away to check on mom. The old man took one look at me and said “semper fi”. Articulate as I am I said “huh” and that was enough to get him rolling. 

It seems he saw my shirt in the 1^st waiting room and wanted to know if I was in the Marines. I’m not, but I was sporting one of my many college t-shirts with the schools initials which happens to be just one letter off of USMC. I explained this to him (it’s not the 1^st time someone has asked) and he said that he always asks because he was in the service for like 30 years, did 2 tours in Vietnam. I thanked him for that and so started a wonderful conversation that would tell me more about his life then you’d think possible in 20 minutes. 

I found out that his anniversary was the next day, along with his birthday, and that he and his wife were supposed to go to Mount Airy Lodge to celebrate but she was brought in with chest pains the night before, so he wasn’t sure what they would do now. I learned about his years in the military, and how proud he was of that time. And how he was having problems with his hips the last few days which is why he wanted to see the Doctor. 

When the nurse FINALLY showed up to take me to the next room (which wound up being a hallway I sat in for 3 more hours before finally being released with a knee brace and a “follow up with an orthopedic doctor cause I don’t see anything wrong” that 2 weeks later I found out was really a tear in my cartilage)  I was upset with having to leave my new friend. 

The good news was that he was put in a room next to my hallway and I was able to overhear him talking to the hospital staff that came in and out of his room, which made my wait time go just a little faster. 

So what’s my point you ask? Well I guess it’s that sometimes it’s those unexpected meetings with random people that can really make your day just a little better. Oh and Doctor’s still totally suck! Take that and do with it what you will.

~Smidge

Lily

Equal parts awesome and HFS scary!

My son discovered his hidden talent over the holiday weekend. I always knew he was a good climber but seriously?

This was the first day...

This was the second...

For reference…

This is my husband installing the same swing, standing on a 40 foot extension ladder.

Bud has decided he wants to start a business climbing ropes. I told him he could join the circus…thankfully he didn’t like that idea. However, he would like to charge people to watch him. I told him best of luck. (Am.erica’s G.ot Tale.nt, anyone??)

Here's some video...

(And sorry if it's off the page a little, Blogger is being a witch)

I'm incredibly proud of him and equally scared for his life if this what he does before he's even 6.

Although, as my mom aptly pointed out, he'll climb 40 feet yet won't ride his bike without training wheels. To each his own.

Lily

Princess Butterfly turns 3

Happy Birthday to my favorite Princess Butterfly! I can’t believe she is 3! Next thing you know she’ll be calling people a bitch and almost pushing her brother down the stairs. Oh wait, she’s already doing that. They grow up so fast!

I know you're all jealous of my mad cake decorating skillz!

(No, I did not put the wrong # of candles on the cake. I didn't think to snap a picture until after she blew out the candles and Bud grabbed one to lick the frosting off  before I could stop him.)

More evidence as to why I sometimes doubt I'm her mother, despite being present at the birth.

(It's a packet of bracelets, nail polish, and earrings)

Every Butterfly needs some flying time

This Tinker Fairy's talent is cuteness

Pure joy!

Happy Birthday Princess Butterfly. I love you forever.

Lily