Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Wanted: breadcrumbs

What if I need to start from scratch? What if all that I have worked for and achieved is taken away? What if I choose to let it go? Because really, the choice is mine. What are the dangers of making myself comfortable with the fact that I may need to start my life from scratch? On the one hand I need to be prepared if it comes down to that. On the other, is it a self-fulfilling prophecy if I get comfortable with the idea? I’m 30 years old and I have two (amazing) kids. We own a nice house that can fit everyone for Christmas. We have a nice yard for our kids to run around. Our vegetable garden finally has more soil than rocks and things actually grow out of it. I have my tree swing. We finally bought a nice car. I like the life we've built; it’s taken us almost ten years to get to this point. The thought of giving it all up, starting over, makes me want to crawl onto my memory foam mattress and bit by bit be absorbed into it so that I’m fully cocooned inside. I already started my life, why do I have to start again? I want to cry and kick and scream and hold my breath until everything is magically better and just as it should be.

The hard part is accepting that maybe things are as they should be. Maybe I need to lose everything I have worked for so that I can achieve the life that is meant for me? I’m a strong believer in “everything happens for a reason.” I’ve made all my choices in life based on the best information I had available to me at the time. It’s looking like some have been, what some might call, “bad” decisions, but I think I’m on the path I’m supposed to be on. The path is bumpy as hell, twisty as shit, but it’s the path I’ve been given and I’ll be damned if I don’t make it to the end battered and bruised but stronger than I was when I started.

But right now? Right now I’m sitting off to the side of that path, nursing my wounds and looking for breadcrumbs. Why are there no breadcrumbs? How am I going to find my way? When are these wounds going to stop bleeding? I know they will leave scars. I can only pray that they are not permanently disfiguring, leaving me unable to rise above. But I won’t let that happen. I’m not a victim. I have choices. I will rise above and make my life what it’s capable of being. I don’t know what form that will take (it’s not a good view from the ditch I’m currently huddled in) and I’m more scared then I’ve ever been. But all of this will just make any future achievement even sweeter, right? RIGHT? (dear God, please tell me I’m right.)



  1. I want to hug you. I know you are going through something that I cannot possibly fathom and I'm so sorry you are dealing with all this.

    I'm thinking of you and hope you get those questions answered and that you make the best decision you can.

  2. I don't know what to say, other than I'm here for you. In a super-long-distance, we've-never-even-met, creepy-Internet way. I'm so sorry you're struggling with something so utterly life-changing.

  3. You are right - you are So, So, right. This is a painful, difficult point of your life, but follow what your gut tells you is right, and you WILL be okay, and you WILL have that porch swing you love so much in your life - whether it's on your current porch or an entirely new one. ((HUGS)) lady.

  4. We both know I can certainly sympathize with where you are right now. It IS hard. I wish I could offer you breadcrumbs, but there simply aren't any. The place is dark and there is no moon, no flashlights, no candles. I feel your scrapes and your pain.

    Perhaps we aren't meant to find our own way out? I'm not sure who gets to rescue us, but it seems to more we struggle, the more we fight the worse it gets.

    I'm an email away if you need a guy's opinion about how much this sucks.


  5. Beware! When the breadcrumbs disappeared, Hansel and Gretel were led by a white bird to a tempting and beautiful gingerbread house. Just remember what went on behind those doors. Sometimes first impressions are not always what they appear to be. When Hansel and Gretel escaped and returned home with the riches they obtained from their journey, they found the evil was gone from their home. It was only by taking that terrible journey that they were able to obtain the riches they needed to live a happy life and so in the end, they lived happily ever after. That is my wish for you. That you collect pearls of wisdom and anything else that you are looking for while on this journey, and that it leads you to the place you belong. Or to quote another story with a lesson, you may not be in Kansas anymore, but in the end, there is no place like home. I hope that you are collecting white pebbles instead of breadcrumbs so you don’t lose your way. And Remember, what you are looking for may be right in front of your eyes. Safe travels!