Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Thought Vomit is all I'm capable of

Today is my sister’s birthday. Even though she’s been gone for 12 years it’s still her birthday. Always will be. I don’t feel particularly insightful today so I will leave it at that.

Super Grandma is hanging in there but she now under the care of hospice. Waiting to die, knowing it literally could come at any moment is just cruel. We are all doing our best to make her as comfortable as possible.

On to happy news so I don't break down into a puddle of tears. On Friday I am taking to the friendly skies traveling westward to visit my aunt in Seattle. I can’t wait! Just me and my mom are going for a long weekend. We have never taken a trip just the two of us. I get to leave behind responsibility for a few days (I hope my aunt doesn’t mind if I wipe her mouth if she gets a milk mustache) and just enjoy being with two fabulous ladies. It is a long needed break from the stress of life and while I will miss my kids and yes, Husband, even you, I really can’t wait to get away for a few days!

In the meantime, I’m going to have a couple of guest blogs while I am away. (Is it weird that I will have more frequent posts while I’m away then when I’m sitting at my computer all day?) I hope you enjoy.

In other news, the other day I read a hilarious post by Natalie. If you don’t know Natalie then you are not experiencing all the joy that you could be experiencing. I hope you’ll rectify that by clinking this link here to read about her toilet story. As I read it (and if you read the comments at the end of that post you’ll see I’m not lying) I couldn’t help but think of my very similar story. Really, get ready for the best day ever (assuming you also clicked on Natalie’s link) where you get TWO toilet stories for the price of one. You’re welcome.

A few weeks ago we went to visit my cousin on Long Island (remember the ticks?) and we had a really great party at her house. As fun parties do, it lasted all day and into the night. I’m no stranger to pooping wherever I have to but obviously I prefer a place away from large groups of people. (I’m considerate like that.) The urge hit and I wasn’t going to be able to hold it until everyone left. Thankfully my cousin’s house has a basement AND a bathroom in the basement. Lovelier words have never been spoken. So I slipped downstairs and did what I had to do. Relieved, I got up and flushed. And looked on as my waste swirled but did not descend into the wonders of indoor plumbing. It just swirled there, mocking me. As I stood there with my shoulders slumped and my head hanging, the water drained away leaving my offering to the porcelain gods half submerged in murky water. Despite the risks, I flushed again. Perhaps the fates would take pity on me and make the second time the charm. To no avail. This is a good time to mention that I am incapable of unclogging a toilet. I am an expert, nay, a savant when it comes to clogging it (ask my dad and husband) but the Lord has rendered me incapable of fixing my own problem, forcing me to drag others into my misfortune. I searched around, hoping to find a plunger so I could discreetly ask for my husband’s unrivaled magic unclogging powers but once again, I was not so lucky. I went upstairs and pulled my cousin aside so she could laugh in my face to ask for a plunger. It was downstairs (apparently she doesn’t have my issues and a plunger is not necessary in every bathroom just feet away from the toilet – please pronounce this as twa-lay as my co-worker does. It just makes it better.) so the three of us (me, her, and my husband…truly, he has magical unclogging powers) descended the stairs to my shame. She retrieved the plunger and scurried upstairs…with me on her heels, leaving my husband to force the porcelain gods to bend to his will and eradicate my indignity along with my pride. The moral of the story? Life can be shitty but everyone should have a husband who is willing to save you in your moment of shame.

I’ll leave you with that dear readers. You’re welcome.



  1. Awwww. That's all I've got today.

  2. You're gonna be one hour away from me!!! If you feel the urge to travel to the lovely state capital, let me know! :)

  3. What a great moral to the story. :)

    Enjoy your weekend away!!!