Super Grandma - update

So the Super Grandma situation isn’t looking the best right now. She had a 6 hour surgery scheduled for this morning to remove parts of her pancreas, small intestines, and her gallbladder. They went in lapascopically (lathroscopically? Spell check doesn’t like either so you choose which you like better) and removed the gallbladder and in the meantime discovered that the cancer had spread more than they thought. So they closed her up and aborted the rest of the surgery. They are recommending chemo but she’s been pretty adamant that she doesn’t want chemo or radiation so we’ll see about that.

When she woke up from the surgery she asked how it went and when they told her they didn’t continue her response was “Good, I’ll die faster.”

(Enter my family’s collective heart breaking here)

All of my reasons for wanting her to live longer are selfish. She’s 87 years old, she’s led a wonderful, full life. She has a huge family that love her more than we can ever express. Her faith has seen her though so much and is getting her through this now. I know death would be a relief for her but it’s the survivors that suffer. I don’t want to be a survivor again. I want her with us so we can gather at her house for our loud, happy, fun family get-togethers. I want her with us so I can call her and ask for her prayers and talk to her and have her tell me everything will work out the way it should. I want to hear her call me by the pet name that only she is allowed to call me. And yes, I know that I will be able to “talk” to her and pray to her after she I gone. But you know what? I want more than that. It’s selfish and childlike but I don’t care. I want to stomp my feet and hold my breath until she is better. I want her to laugh at my kids and say “God Bless you” as we pile in the car for our trip home. I want my Grandma.

Right now I have no idea how long they are expecting her to live. I have no idea if she will leave the hospital, if I’ll get to see her alive again, or if she’ll be around for Babe going to 1^st grade (3 years away). I have no idea.

This whole thing has me feeling helpless. My family has been wonderful about keeping everyone posted and we are all weighing in with thoughts, suggestions, concerns. But, I feel way out of my league. Thankfully my mom and all of her sister’s and brother’s are running the show but I can’t help but think that someday I am going to be the person responsible for my parents. Right now they are all taking shifts staying in the hospital with her. I’m pretty sure she hasn’t spent a night alone yet. It has meant sleeping in uncomfortable chairs and eating cafeteria food for a few weeks but there is always someone there to take the next shift. Everyone is doing everything they can to make her comfortable and well cared for. She is so lucky.

Thinking of going through this with my parents (in a very long, long time, got that parents?!!) I can’t help but think I’m not going to be able to do this for my parents. It makes me incredibly sad.

Sorry about all this gloom and doom lately. I much prefer to do the happy upbeat routine but right now I can’t. Hopefully we’ll be back to our regularly scheduled programming soon!

Lily