Friday, August 10, 2012

If this were a book this chapter would be over by now


We are trying. It is hard (very hard) but we are trying. In our effort to do all that we can we are headed for a mini vacay to the Adirondacks. Just the two of us. We haven’t done that since our honeymoon. We’ll be staying at a lakeside hotel complete with a private balcony and canoes to rent. I pray to the rain gods that they go easy Sunday - Tuesday and let us get out and do. Getting out and doing helps. It gives us shared experiences to bond over. We need to bond. Maybe I’ll bring Monopoly. Doesn’t everyone bond over monopoly?

We didn’t have a good night last night. I’m still having such a hard time letting go of the bitterness and resentment. It doesn’t help that I don’t understand his feelings. He tries to share with me and I lash out at him for feeling the way that he does. I’m an awesome wife. Why is it that I can be so kind-hearted and understanding to a stranger but I’m unable to accept that my husband feels differently from me? I think we both want each other to be a different person then we are. How unfair is that? How does one get around that and make a marriage work despite never being able to change who we are. Should we even try to get around that? Leaving sounds so much easier. But then, what about this life we’ve built around us? I don’t want to lose that. We have a beautiful family, we have a work in progress beautiful house, should I throw that all away because I don’t want to put in the work? No, I don’t think so either. But how much longer can we go on like this? I don’t want to act like I am, yet I find that I can’t change it. Not yet anyway. I keep telling him that it seems like I’m not ready yet. Not ready to let go of the anger, bitterness, and resentment. But what will make me ready? I fear that by taking my sweet ass time I’m doing more damage than can be overcome. I don’t want to do that! So why am I? (Seriously, can someone answer that because I have no idea?)

Things had been getting better. But I guess they weren’t really. I would really like someone to tell me exactly how long this is going to take. I’d like it to be better right this second but I’d settle for just knowing how long it’s going to take. Is that so unreasonable?

Husband – if you are reading this, please know that I do love you and you’re doing all the right things. I’m proud of you for trying so hard to right all the wrongs. Please be patient with me. Please don’t give up on me. It took 8 years to get to this point and I hope like hell it won’t take 8 years to get out of it but I do need longer than just a few months. Just don’t give up on me, ok? You’re doing it right.




Lily

9 comments:

  1. If you want to get there you will. Just go easy on yourself and do your best. That's all you can ask of yourself. Xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  2. MND~ Hang in there, and keep looking forward, not backward. I get that these are tough times for you both, and in the end you have to do what's best for you. Pray. Pray for each other, your marriage, your family, your children, and do the right thing. Good luck.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I couldn't agree more! Even if you aren't one to normally do so..it's amazing how your heart changes with prayer. Hang in there!!
      ~ Amy

      Delete
  3. Good for you for talking about your feelings like this! I hope your time away is fabulous. I haven't played monopoly in one thousand years exactly. Add wine and you'd be more likely to convince me to play though...

    Have fun, don't overthink everything (that's what I do) and it will work out. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Monopoly is one of my favorite board games. I usually lose though.

    Have fun!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hang in there. As long as you both want to make things work, they will. Sorry to hear the you are going through this tough time in your lives.

    ReplyDelete
  6. First of all, DON'T bring Monopoly! I can't count how many fights and near murders I have been witness to while playing that game all the way through to the end!
    Second, I of course don't know what caused any resentment or anger, but you are doing all you can...taking time. Maybe a professional can help shed light on it and give you suggestions to overcome those feelings. I think when we are what we are and we are set in our ways, we obviously can't be the ones who know how to do things differently...we need another perspective. I don't think you need to change who you are (don't do it, you're awesome!) but just the way you handle feelings and emotions.
    Enjoy your trip and have a good time! Enjoy one another and spend time remembering why you fell in love in the first place! FYI, I am aware that I have no place giving relationship advice, but I can certainly share my thoughts as an outsider looking in, lol.

    ReplyDelete