We are trying. It is hard (very hard) but we are trying. In our effort to do all that we can we are headed for a mini vacay to the Adirondacks. Just the two of us. We haven’t done that since our honeymoon. We’ll be staying at a lakeside hotel complete with a private balcony and canoes to rent. I pray to the rain gods that they go easy Sunday - Tuesday and let us get out and do. Getting out and doing helps. It gives us shared experiences to bond over. We need to bond. Maybe I’ll bring Monopoly. Doesn’t everyone bond over monopoly?
We didn’t have a good night last night. I’m still having such a hard time letting go of the bitterness and resentment. It doesn’t help that I don’t understand his feelings. He tries to share with me and I lash out at him for feeling the way that he does.
I’m an awesome wife. Why is it that I
can be so kind-hearted and understanding to a stranger but I’m unable to accept
that my husband feels differently from me? I think we both want each other to
be a different person then we are. How unfair is that? How does one get around
that and make a marriage work despite never being able to change who we are.
Should we even try to get around that? Leaving sounds so much easier. But then,
what about this life we’ve built around us? I don’t want to lose that. We have
a beautiful family, we have a work in progress beautiful house, should I
throw that all away because I don’t want to put in the work? No, I don’t think
so either. But how much longer can we go on like this? I don’t want to act like
I am, yet I find that I can’t change it. Not yet anyway. I keep telling him that
it seems like I’m not ready yet. Not ready to let go of the anger, bitterness,
and resentment. But what will make me ready? I fear that by taking my sweet ass
time I’m doing more damage than can be overcome. I don’t want to do that! So
why am I? (Seriously, can someone answer that because I have no idea?)
Things had been getting better. But I guess they weren’t really. I would really like someone to tell me exactly how long this is going to take. I’d like it to be better right this second but I’d settle for just knowing how long it’s going to take. Is that so unreasonable?
Husband – if you are reading this, please know that I do love you and you’re doing all the right things. I’m proud of you for trying so hard to right all the wrongs. Please be patient with me. Please don’t give up on me. It took 8 years to get to this point and I hope like hell it won’t take 8 years to get out of it but I do need longer than just a few months. Just don’t give up on me, ok? You’re doing it right.