Times they are a changin

I knew going in (everyone knows going in, right?) that there would be a lot of changes taking place with this divorce. Change is fine, I’m ok with change, but executing change…that isn’t always easy. It’s the little things that are hardest. One of the hardest habits for me to break is saying “we” instead of “I.” I’ve been a “we” for so long, my entire world as I’ve known it for the past 8+ years has been “we.” And we really were a “we.” We did everything together and it was truly “what’s mine is yours” and also mine…don’t TOUCH my food. But now it’s not “we.” Now it’s “me” or “I” but I still say “we” and I can’t seem to break it. “Oh! We like that movie so much!” “Yes, we eat there all the time!” “Whenever we go there we do that too!” “We have that in our house and love it!” I’m hoping it gets better when I’m in my own apartment and not “our” house anymore. 

Which brings me to my next topic of change…my new apartment. I’m moving to an apartment in a couple of weeks. He won’t find an apartment and the current living arrangement isn’t working for me and is only confusing the kids so it was time for me to suck it up and get an apartment. I’m really sad about leaving my house and that’s all I’m going to say about that.

The other hard part is what to call him and his family now. Technically we are not divorced yet so he’s still my “husband” and calling him my “ex-husband” doesn’t sound quite right. It will, when the divorce is official, but now it just doesn’t feel right because it’s not official. But calling him my husband also isn’t right. I need a word for this in-between stage. My children’s father? (Which just makes it sound like he’s my baby daddy and…just no.) My future ex-husband? That guy? And what about his parents? We live in a small town and having their last name means I get a lot of “Are you related to them?” My usual answer of “Yes, I’m their daughter-in-law” doesn’t seem right anymore. But it also doesn’t seem right not to say I’m their daughter-in-law. They are so kind to me and have been incredibly supportive of me and continue to welcome me into their home with no weirdness. So I really don’t want to say I’m not their daughter-in-law. And I definitely don’t want to say I’m their ex-daughter-in-law. It sounds kind of cruel to me. A few times I’ve said “my soon-to-be ex-husband” or “my soon-to-be ex-in-laws” but that’s just awkward and then makes the person I’m talking to REALLY uncomfortable so I try not to use that one too often. I’m not looking for pity and that one invites it. So I’m in this weird limbo stage where I don’t have a good answer for anything and everything I say sounds weird and not right.

I will most certainly get through it all, but navigating through it isn’t easy and the feeling of being lost can sometimes be overwhelming. But change is a part of life an even bigger part now that I’ll have to be doing my laundry at the laundry mat. Time to save up my change to plunk into the washer and dryer. This too shall pass.

Lily