Can you hear the wedding bells?

Soooo...I'm getting married on Saturday!!! We had planned to be married in May 2017 but circumstances changed and we moved it up. 

(Let's get the bad news out so we can focus on the fun stuff.) My fiance's mother was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer about a month ago. We couldn't possibly imagine getting married without her there so we made the easy decision to move it up. 

So with three weeks to go, we started planning a new, much smaller wedding. Amazingly, everything has come together so quickly and relatively easily. I think it's all meant to be this way. We got permission to be married on the campus where we both work. We found the perfect spot under a Willow tree, next to a stream, with a beautiful wrought iron bridge in the background. We will be surrounded by our closest family and friends and then we have rented out our favorite Mexican restaurant for an intimate linner (not a typo...we'll have it from 2-5pm so somewhere in the middle of lunch and dinner). 

I found my dress several months ago at a place near my mom's (about 4 hours from me) and planned to go back in January for the first fitting but when I called to explain the situation, the woman immediately promised to have it ready in time. I went down two weekends ago for the fitting and my mom will bring it up for me when she comes for the wedding. It's a little nerve wracking to not have a second fitting but I trust the woman. She's amazing at what she does and I have complete faith. 

We were able to secure the same photographer too! I fell in love with the photos from this company and signed contracts with them for May several months ago. I can't believe they had this weekend open, but like I said, it's meant to be! 

My girls planned to come up this summer to do dress shopping but were able to find an amazing dress on Amazon for $20 in the matter of hours!! They are the color I wanted and are an awesome Audrey Hepburn style! 

We had a few issues finding an officiant (everyone is on vacation!) but we finally nailed that down last week. She's a friend of the family and has been so flexible and amazing! 

We went shopping on Monday and found the perfect wedding bands in the matter of a few hours! We'll have to wait for them to be sized until after but that's a small price to pay. 

So really, everything has worked out so wonderfully! The whole reasoning behind this is heartbreaking and excruciating to think about but we are all focusing on the good that is happening and enjoying the time with his mom as much as possible. I'm incredibly excited to marry my best friend sooner than expected! Bud and Babe are excited too! 

So Saturday, July 30 is the day! Can you hear those wedding bells? I can and I'm smiling like a fool!!! 

Lily

Gettin' Hitched!

You guys!!! I’m engaged!!! LC proposed to me AND the kids on Monday and it was the most adorable thing! He started out by asking us to all go into our fancy living room. He then told the kids that he had a question to ask me but that he needed them to say yes too because if we all did then we’d be a family forever. I immediately started crying (happy tears, of course!). He had me unwrap the outer box and open up the ring box so I could see the little picture of us he stuck in there (so cute!). Then he took the box from my hand, got down on his knee and asked if I would marry him. Through my blubbering, I said yes and the kids started jumping around in happiness and we all hugged. LC made sure the kids knew my tears were happy tears and we all hugged again. He slipped the ring on my finger and I had to wipe away the tears to get a good look at it. It’s absolutely perfect! Simple and elegant! I couldn’t have picked out a better one if I tried and the fact that he never asked me a question about my preferences and just knew what would be right makes it a thousand times better!

The kids were both so excited but Bud was left speechless. He just kept smiling and hugging us both and I could tell he was just as excited as we were! It was adorable! He idolizes LC so he was just beside himself with joy. I don’t think Babe fully understood what was happening but our excitement made her excited.

Everything was perfect! Everything is perfect! Life is so, so good!

#happy

It's so sparkly!

Lily

My Spartans - 2015

It's been a while since I've felt compelled to post but this weekend my kids were amazing and it deserves to be recorded for posterity! They completed in the first ever Spartan Kids Race. If you aren't familiar with Spartan Races, they are basically races with obstacles. That makes it sound so mild. They are not. They are physically demanding and hella hard! The kids version was certainly toned down but that doesn't mean it was easy. They had to scale and jump all sorts of barriers, flip tires, run through water, throw spears (blunt, of course), carry heavy bags of dirt, you get the idea! 

Bud ran first and put on a show! We couldn't see all the obstacles but every time he disappeared, he reappeared ahead of everyone else! His most impressive feat was the inverted wall. We were waiting at the wall for a while because the course before that point was hidden from view so we had the opportunity to watch other kids try. The majority couldn't do it. They had helpers there to lift the kids up and over when there were struggling and I was very curious how Bud would react to the obstacle. He came sprinting out of the woods, ran up to the wall, and attacked that thing like he owned it! I had to hold back the tears (and I have to do that now as I write) watching him make easy work out of a difficult obstacle. 

Inverted Wall

If you can't view the video above, try this link: http://vid1221.photobucket.com/albums/dd462/momnextdoorblog/Blog%20pictures/A0B40D4A-B805-4520-993F-1F44607606CA_zpslu55b4mb.mp4

I knew he was running a 4k but I have no concept of distance, especially when it's in kilometers, so he got done with all the obstacles I saw and figured he was done. They had workers guiding the kids where to go and I heard them ask if he had gone once or twice. He said once and they shepherded him through a shoot and back over to the first obstacle. I was so confused until I realized it meant he had to run the course twice! I could only imagine how he felt when he made the realization too. I asked him afterwards and he said, "Yeah, I wasn't expecting that but I just kept telling myself 'you can do this! Keep going' and I did." I was so thankful that I had my sunglasses on so no one saw me get teary eyed again! 

Bud has always been athletic and freakishly strong so I knew he'd kill this race but I wasn't prepared to feel the absolute pride that coursed through me. Every child got a medal and every child got a shirt but seeing him in that "winners circle" was indescribable. He's an amazing kid!

His second time over the inverted wall

Babe is super competitive so I knew she'd want to do the race just because Bud was. She's athletic and strong too but she's much more timid and doesn't love to push her physical limits as much as Bud. We got there early and they had practice obstacles set up. Bud immediately attacked them but Babe was very uncertain and hesitant. She was scared to do them by herself and wanted me to hold her hand to jump down. Eventually she did start doing it on her own but she was still very timid. I was concerned for the race. 

Her race was a 2k so she ran the course once. At the starting line she stood in the back and timidly made her way to the front as the line moved forward (they staggered the start so it was kind of chaotic). She jumped over the first barrier and took off with the group. The first few obstacles weren't visible (that's where the tire flipping was) but eventually I saw her making her way towards us. She was flat out running and took the obstacle with ease (run up and down a steep hurdle). Next was the balance beam and she took about 3 minutes to get across because she was so nervous about falling off (it was 2 inches off the ground). At this point I was proud of her but I was also really nervous for her. The next few obstacles took her out of sight again and eventually she popped up over the other side of the river and we cheered and waved to her.

Waving frantically from across the river

She was still running flat out and was waving like crazy to us. Eventually she came back around and it was her turn to do the inverted wall. Her wave was very crowded and it was a younger group so everyone was going slow and there were often delays at the obstacles. She had to wait her turn to climb and she was too short to jump and grab the top but her brains took over and she figured out how to use the middle support beam to climb and reach it. One of the helpers came over at that point and I was a little disappointed because I think she could have done it entirely on her own. But in any event, she cleared it and sprinted to the next one. 

She had to carry a sack of dirt around a track. I was kind of far from her at this point but could still see her. As usual, it was chaotic and all the helpers were assisting other children. I saw her trying to pick up the sacks but they were too heavy. I lost sight of her in the mob, until she finally emerged from the crowd with a sack slung over her shoulder. She staggered with each step. Her legs were wobbly as she tried to carry the sack that was probably half her weight. The sack didn't have a good handle so it kept slipping and she had to readjust but she kept it on her shoulder and just kept moving. Slowly, methodicall, shakily, she made her way around the course. All around her bigger, older kids were dropping their bags and leaving them to continue around the track without their sack. But there was my girl, struggling but sticking with it. Step by step she kept going. She got to the obstacle, put her bag to the side like everyone else, hopped over the barrier, and went back to get her bag. Most of the kids that hadn't dropped their sack earlier just left it at the obstacle. Not my girl. She picked her sack back up, slung it over her shoulder and finished off the track still staggering under it's weight. Her fortitude and perseverance was awe-inspiring! She was AMAZING! I had never been more proud of her! She never gave up, didn't complain, and just got the job done. Her spirit was/is amazing! 

Sack o' dirt

Hangin' Tough

They both loved the experience and are ready to do it again next year! Bud was disappointed that there wasn't any mud pits involved but he felt appeased by the water crossings. 

Here's some more pics of the event:

Easy peasy!

Hesitant but determined! 

No sweat!

On the practice course. She finally got the "hang" of it!

My Spartans! AROO!!

He makes it look easy!

Rolling under!

Winner's Circle!

Finishers!!

I knew they'd both do well but they both KILLED it! I've never been more proud of them! 

They slept like babies that night but they did so with their medals next to their beds and their bandannas on their heads. They are Spartans! AROO!!!

Lily

Obligatory first day of school pics

Time flies. Children grow like weeds. All those things are true. But seriously, how do I have a 1st and 4th grader already?? A beautiful, exuberant, smart 1st grader and a handsome, witty, and smart 4th grader! Mind.Blown.

It's been our tradition to take pictures at their grandparents house on the first day of school. I'm so glad that's still alive and well!

Lily

The Perfect Day

Things have been crazy hectic lately. I had to work late for most of last week and it ended up that I didn’t get to see the kids for a whole week! By Friday I was having serious withdrawals and was seriously itching to spend some real good quality time with them! Friday was pretty decent so we got outside a little bit. Saturday we had to run some errands (including buying new shoes because they suddenly have monster feet) but it was cold so we didn't stay out long. But we had to get out there for a short time to try out their new skates!

But Sunday! Oh Sunday! It was glorious! The weather was warm, the sun was shining, and we couldn’t WAIT to get out there! We spent pretty much the whole day outside and it was everything we needed! We started out at the park next to our old apartment. As we walked by the old place, Bud turned to LC and said excitedly, “Look! That’s where we first met you!” My heart could not get any more full!

Best Bud's

This old school jungle gym makes for the best pretend play!

LC is a workout fiend. So for him, all the world is a gym...

Don't you want to smack him for making this look so effortless?

Notice how Bud is closely observing and then had to join in! :-)

Ok, so this next picture is by far my favorite thing ever. LC was trying to get out of the jungle gym and decided to go out the top. It was NOT easy. He had to get his legs up through and then flip over. This first picture was him trying to get his legs over.

This makes me laugh all the laughs!

Got one leg! It looks like he's breakdancing in the air!

He made it! LOL!

(I also tried after him and made it, but I was so thankful he didn't pull out the camera!)

Here he is helping Babe on the teeter totter while getting in some squats! LOL!

And some tricep presses 

(if I got the exercise wrong, mea culpa)

The rest of the day we spent outside playing on the driveway and in the yard. We have a nice set up! Before dinner Bud pulled out one of his Christmas presents (that was packed shortly after Christmas in anticipation of the move) and we excevated some pretty rocks from a bit of plaster. The kids really had a great time with this!

We rounded out the evening with some more time on the driveway after dinner. I showed Bud some of my razor scooter skills and Babe followed us around on her skates. It was the perfect end to a perfect day!  

Lily

Changes

There have been some changes in my life over the course of the last year or so (#understatement). One of the biggest changes has been my ability to be a mother to my children. Trying to define what being a “bad mom” means isn’t easy and is highly subjective. My kids have always been loved and cared for, but when I was still married I wasn’t winning any Mom of the Year awards. I knew it, my ex made sure I knew it, and that only made things worse. The feelings of inadequacy, knowing that you are being judged by your spouse, the stress and anxiety of dealing with a bad marriage, it all combined to make me less than present for my children. I knew I wasn’t doing the best I could, but I also couldn’t bring myself to fix it. I hid from it, from them. Everything had me on edge and I couldn’t handle the little things. I know now that a very big part of it was that I wasn’t allowed to have “me” time. I was made to feel guilty about liking different things or wanting to do something that didn’t involve them. I knew in my heart it was ok to want to take care of me, but that didn’t help the guilt (I was raised Catholic after all!) when I was constantly told I must not love them if I didn’t want to be with them at all times. That’s all pieces of why I ended my marriage. I couldn’t be the person/mother/wife I knew I could be. I wasn’t allowed to be the person/mother/wife I knew I could be. I felt like I was always gasping for air.

I am a new person. Or, rather, I’m finally the person I knew I could be. Happiness is a powerful state of being. Not only can I BE THERE for my children, I WANT to be there for them. I can actually enjoy them and revel in those “their only small once” moments. I am able to step back in those stressful moments and smile and joke and ease the tension. I can show my kids how to deal with stress and how to love each other whole-heartedly. They are learning to love by example and it’s because I’m present now to show them.

A lot of my happiness stems from being with a person who respects me, appreciates me, and encourages me to be myself, with all my faults...and he loves me anyway. He does not ask me, nor expects me, to define myself in relation to him. It’s such a simple thing, but it has completely changed my life.

I finally feel like I am acceptable the way I am, I can mother the way I know is best for me and my kids, I can explore new avenues of myself without fear of judgment or backlash, and I am becoming a role model for my kids. That one is the most important to me. I can show my kids that happiness is the norm, acceptance is good, narrow-mindedness is not a virtue, and finding yourself is the most important thing you can do.

There is one more change that is coming down the pipe. I am finally going to be settled in a way I haven’t been for over 14 years. I’m finally going to have a home that I will live in for a very long time! I don’t want to say anything about the house specifically because things are still in the beginning stages, but I need to comment on the significance of this next step.

Shortly after my sister died we moved to a new house, and very shortly after that (two weeks) I went away to college. Looking back, I can see I have never felt settled from that point on. I’ve owned two homes and rented numerous places in the last 14 years, but none of them have felt like home. I was never fully invested in any of those places. I never fully unpacked in any of them. One place in particular, I never even hung a single thing on the walls and boxes remained in almost every room. I couldn’t bring myself to invest in furniture or décor or do anything to make it feel like something other than temporary. I got close in my last house. We renovated it from top to bottom, and there were a few stamps of ownership there, but it was still lacking something. It was lacking happiness.

I haven’t even closed on this new house yet, but I already feel settled. I feel ready to let go of all the things I’ve schlepped from one place to the next, always hanging on because I didn’t know if I’d need it in the next place. Nothing has happened yet but I already feel lighter. I know this will be where I live and where I raise my children to be well-adjusted, happy adults. This is the last step to pass into the next chapter in my life. I can close the door on the transient lifestyle I somehow found myself in. I can put down roots, finish the things I’ve wanted to accomplish, and really invest in my future.

I am so excited for this next chapter, to close the door on the transition phase and finally live in the present. It’s so simple, yet has been such a long journey. It’s been quite the journey, but I’ve made the right changes to get onto the path that’s meant for me. **Deep exhale** 

Lily

First Day of School -- The Better Late Than Never edition

I like a trend to really take hold and sort of be on the way out before I latch on. I don't know why but it's always been my way. I first realized it when Pogs (remember those) hit my school. I scoffed at the stupid new game and proudly held to my non-pog playing position. And then I realized I was kind of missing out and I humbly asked my mom to take me to the drugstore to buy my first set. Henceforth a full-fledged pogger I became. 

So much like my pogging story, I like to arrive late to the party and so I present you with my 3 week late First Day of School post.  


Kindergarten and 3rd grade. WTF dude? I have a third grader! And my baby is in full-day kindergarten. [Insert mind exploding here]

I wasn't scheduled to have the kids that morning and I frantically and pathetically begged their father to let me have them for the night so I could get the ready for their first day and do our traditional first day of school activities like freak out that Bud's pants don't fit him because he grew 7 feet overnight and scream at Babe to find out where she put her damned lunch box that I told her not to play with. Thankfully he took pity on me (since he leaves for work so early he wouldn't be the one to get them ready anyway) and I was able to salvage one of the few traditions I've established over the course of their short lives. First Day of School pictures at grandma's house! You'd think "grandma's house" would be my mom, but no, it's my ex's mom. We still have a fabulous relationship, and possibly an even stronger relationship now, and we are still very much a part of each others lives. I don't know what I would do without them! But enough of that. It's picture time!!

Do I have beautiful children or what?

Bud says: "Let's be lions!" Babe says: "I'm too cute to be a lion!"

Still a lion. Still a cutie.

I told them to get excited! Bud's more worried about not looking into the sun.

"Seriously mom, I can't look into the sun anymore!"

Babe says sun is no excuse to hold back on the sass! 

My non-baby-OMG-when-did-you-even-become-real-kids kids

He's finally coming around to the whole posing for the camera thing. 

(It's because he secretly hopes I'll post stuff to Facebook)

Kindergarten. Just...kindergarten. Whoa.

I am so proud of these kids! They've had to deal (and are still dealing) with a lot over the past year and a half, but they are both amazing individuals. Bud is so smart it's scary. He understands things that he has no business understanding at 8 years old and he just craves knowledge like no child I have ever met before. He's funny and silly and so compassionate. Babe brings vibrancy to every dark corner. Her personality and exuberance for life and fun is unrivaled. She is sassy and smart and thoughtful. They both make me laugh and make me strive to be a better person and a better mother. I couldn't ask for more. I think it's going to be a good year.


Lily

Happy

See this? This is me and LC. This is what happiness looks like. 

Divorce is a feisty bitch, emotions flying, self-esteem plummeting, despair nipping at your heels. There were times that I knew I was destined to spend my days as a lonely cat lady, my children refusing to come see me because of the pain they had to endure due to my life-altering decision and not wanting to smell like cat pee when they left. Other days I thought maybe things wouldn't be so bad, lonely for sure, but I'd plod along and be fine. 

I often thought about how nice it would be if someone came to sweep me off my feet and restore my faith in love and life. And then I realized that a lot of people I knew didn't even know my marriage was over so no one was going to come knocking. It was up to me. So I did the knocking. 

I've known LC for years and I'm good friends with his relatives. I knew they wanted to set him up with a nice girl, but I figured maybe he'd settle for me anyway. So after constant much thought, I sent an email. I made it light and casual and asked him if he wanted to hang out . Then I sat and waited...and waited...and waited...and waited................and waited! Ten hours that bastard he made me sit and wait for a response! It was touch and go for a while, I wasn't sure I was going to make it, but he did finally respond and we made plans. 

My super awesome idea of bowling was thwarted by league night, but of course we didn't know that until we got there and every head in the place turned to look at the outsiders daring to walk in the place. We slowly retreated with our hands facing out showing we meant no harm. So now what? We did what any hip, 30-something couple would do...we headed to McDonald's to share our first meal together! We are the definition of hip. We reclaimed the night by following it up with a movie. I have no recollection of what we saw, I just remembered sitting next to him, willing him to reach out and hold my hand or somehow affirm that we were in fact on a date and it wasn't only me feeling the attraction. 

That night we parted with the situation just as unclear as when I first emailed him. Not really sure what each others intentions were, not ready to set expectations. I went home and micro-analyzed every aspect of the night, replaying all the things I said, all the things he said, feeling like an idiot for the things I said, thinking he was smart and funny and just plain fun to be around. I didn't really have any expectations, but I knew I didn't want that night to be our only experience. 

 As with any new relationship, things were exciting and emotional and happy. While I still wasn't sure that our relationship would develop into something deeper, for the first time in YEARS I was happy. I. Was. Happy. Who knew! 

As the weeks turned into months, I kept expecting for things to sour or at least ebb. I kept waiting for him to lose interest or start treating me differently. But he didn't. In fact, things kept getting better. I mean sure, when you start with zero expectations it's easy to impress, but he didn't just not let me down, he continuously surprised me with his awesomeness, he always took another step at just the right time. We finally got to the point where we could define our relationship. I wanted to be his "girlfriend." I wanted to play a bigger role in his life, more than just a way to pass the time a few nights a week. Once again, he didn't disappoint. The first time he referred to me as his girlfriend time stood still for a moment and I just smiled. I really liked those words coming from his lips. I was happy.

Throughout this time I only spent time with him when it wasn't my night with the kids. I was hesitant to get my kids attached to someone who may walk out at any moment. Now I can see  that this perceived risk was unfounded, but at the time it was the right thing to do. But slowly, as our relationship developed (and kept getting better) I began to entertain the notion of moving in together. We'd been together for over a year at that point and it felt like the right thing to do. One night, I cautiously asked if he'd ever consider moving in with us. He didn't hesitate. He said he'd already given it a lot of thought and wanted to do it. One of the things I love about him is his ability to analyze a situation and make a good decision. For all my fears and concerns surrounding the decision, I was instantly put at ease when he so quickly and unwaveringly declared he felt the same way. I was happy.

We didn't want to rush things, and as I said, he didn't come around much when I had the kids. We had a good discussion about expectations and all the stuff mature adults should discuss when making such a big decision. I told him the first order of business was to become a bigger presence in the kids lives. He started coming over for dinner, every so often at first, and then more and more frequently until he was over every night. 

To say my kids adore him is an understatement. The look in Bud's eye when he talks to him and the excitement he can't contain when he comes in, it's more than I could have ever hoped for. Of course, Bud plays it cool, he tries hard to seem nonchalant, but he can't hide it from his mother. LC makes him happy too. 

And just when I think things can't get better, I catch him having a tea party with Babe. There are no words for that one. Happy doesn't even describe it (and I'm sorry I don't have a picture). 

And while LC doesn't want to overstep his bounds with them (he's good at taking things slow), I know the feelings are mutual. I nearly melted into a pile of goo when I saw that he changed the wallpaper on his phone to a picture of my kids. Love.

When we finally decided we wanted to live together, it coincided with a particularly rough time for Bud as he struggled with some new people in his life. It got me worried that he wouldn't be ready for the step we were so obviously ready for. I knew I needed to ask how both kids felt about him moving in, and not just tell them this is how it's going to be. I wanted them to feel like this was a family decision. And honestly, it was. As much as I wanted him to move in, if they even hinted they didn't want it to happen, then it wouldn't have happened. I was working up the nerve to talk to them about it and trying to figure out just the right way to word it, when Bud did the work for me. He said something about LC not living with us so I grabbed onto it and asked if he would want him to move in. In his ever-so-genius-seven-year-old way, he responded, "I would love it but it's a big decision and the two of you have to be ready for it." Then after just a moment's pause he added, "Are you ready for that?" I couldn't hide my smile. Yes, I told him, I was ready for it. But I told him that it was very important that he and Babe were comfortable with it and I knew he had been struggling with other people lately and didn't want to push it. He didn't hesitate and responded, "LC is different, LC is smart and strong and loyal and I really want him to move in with us!" I was happy.

So a couple of months ago LC moved in. It was right. And Bud was right. LC is smart and strong and loyal and most of all, he makes us all happy. Perhaps things will still come crashing down, as my past relationships have programmed me to expect. But perhaps it won't. Perhaps it will keep getting better as we grow together and live together and love together. We are happy. It's so simple, yet so complex. I am happy. 

(Notice how Babe is clinging to him. She adores him, just like we all do.)

Lily