My Spartans - 2015

It's been a while since I've felt compelled to post but this weekend my kids were amazing and it deserves to be recorded for posterity! They completed in the first ever Spartan Kids Race. If you aren't familiar with Spartan Races, they are basically races with obstacles. That makes it sound so mild. They are not. They are physically demanding and hella hard! The kids version was certainly toned down but that doesn't mean it was easy. They had to scale and jump all sorts of barriers, flip tires, run through water, throw spears (blunt, of course), carry heavy bags of dirt, you get the idea! 

Bud ran first and put on a show! We couldn't see all the obstacles but every time he disappeared, he reappeared ahead of everyone else! His most impressive feat was the inverted wall. We were waiting at the wall for a while because the course before that point was hidden from view so we had the opportunity to watch other kids try. The majority couldn't do it. They had helpers there to lift the kids up and over when there were struggling and I was very curious how Bud would react to the obstacle. He came sprinting out of the woods, ran up to the wall, and attacked that thing like he owned it! I had to hold back the tears (and I have to do that now as I write) watching him make easy work out of a difficult obstacle. 

Inverted Wall

If you can't view the video above, try this link: http://vid1221.photobucket.com/albums/dd462/momnextdoorblog/Blog%20pictures/A0B40D4A-B805-4520-993F-1F44607606CA_zpslu55b4mb.mp4

I knew he was running a 4k but I have no concept of distance, especially when it's in kilometers, so he got done with all the obstacles I saw and figured he was done. They had workers guiding the kids where to go and I heard them ask if he had gone once or twice. He said once and they shepherded him through a shoot and back over to the first obstacle. I was so confused until I realized it meant he had to run the course twice! I could only imagine how he felt when he made the realization too. I asked him afterwards and he said, "Yeah, I wasn't expecting that but I just kept telling myself 'you can do this! Keep going' and I did." I was so thankful that I had my sunglasses on so no one saw me get teary eyed again! 

Bud has always been athletic and freakishly strong so I knew he'd kill this race but I wasn't prepared to feel the absolute pride that coursed through me. Every child got a medal and every child got a shirt but seeing him in that "winners circle" was indescribable. He's an amazing kid!

His second time over the inverted wall

Babe is super competitive so I knew she'd want to do the race just because Bud was. She's athletic and strong too but she's much more timid and doesn't love to push her physical limits as much as Bud. We got there early and they had practice obstacles set up. Bud immediately attacked them but Babe was very uncertain and hesitant. She was scared to do them by herself and wanted me to hold her hand to jump down. Eventually she did start doing it on her own but she was still very timid. I was concerned for the race. 

Her race was a 2k so she ran the course once. At the starting line she stood in the back and timidly made her way to the front as the line moved forward (they staggered the start so it was kind of chaotic). She jumped over the first barrier and took off with the group. The first few obstacles weren't visible (that's where the tire flipping was) but eventually I saw her making her way towards us. She was flat out running and took the obstacle with ease (run up and down a steep hurdle). Next was the balance beam and she took about 3 minutes to get across because she was so nervous about falling off (it was 2 inches off the ground). At this point I was proud of her but I was also really nervous for her. The next few obstacles took her out of sight again and eventually she popped up over the other side of the river and we cheered and waved to her.

Waving frantically from across the river

She was still running flat out and was waving like crazy to us. Eventually she came back around and it was her turn to do the inverted wall. Her wave was very crowded and it was a younger group so everyone was going slow and there were often delays at the obstacles. She had to wait her turn to climb and she was too short to jump and grab the top but her brains took over and she figured out how to use the middle support beam to climb and reach it. One of the helpers came over at that point and I was a little disappointed because I think she could have done it entirely on her own. But in any event, she cleared it and sprinted to the next one. 

She had to carry a sack of dirt around a track. I was kind of far from her at this point but could still see her. As usual, it was chaotic and all the helpers were assisting other children. I saw her trying to pick up the sacks but they were too heavy. I lost sight of her in the mob, until she finally emerged from the crowd with a sack slung over her shoulder. She staggered with each step. Her legs were wobbly as she tried to carry the sack that was probably half her weight. The sack didn't have a good handle so it kept slipping and she had to readjust but she kept it on her shoulder and just kept moving. Slowly, methodicall, shakily, she made her way around the course. All around her bigger, older kids were dropping their bags and leaving them to continue around the track without their sack. But there was my girl, struggling but sticking with it. Step by step she kept going. She got to the obstacle, put her bag to the side like everyone else, hopped over the barrier, and went back to get her bag. Most of the kids that hadn't dropped their sack earlier just left it at the obstacle. Not my girl. She picked her sack back up, slung it over her shoulder and finished off the track still staggering under it's weight. Her fortitude and perseverance was awe-inspiring! She was AMAZING! I had never been more proud of her! She never gave up, didn't complain, and just got the job done. Her spirit was/is amazing! 

Sack o' dirt

Hangin' Tough

They both loved the experience and are ready to do it again next year! Bud was disappointed that there wasn't any mud pits involved but he felt appeased by the water crossings. 

Here's some more pics of the event:

Easy peasy!

Hesitant but determined! 

No sweat!

On the practice course. She finally got the "hang" of it!

My Spartans! AROO!!

He makes it look easy!

Rolling under!

Winner's Circle!

Finishers!!

I knew they'd both do well but they both KILLED it! I've never been more proud of them! 

They slept like babies that night but they did so with their medals next to their beds and their bandannas on their heads. They are Spartans! AROO!!!

Lily

Divorce

Next let’s move on to something a long time coming and, happily, now resolved: my divorce. When I say “happily,” I don’t mean that I’m happy to be divorced. I wish things didn’t go down this way, and I really dislike that I’m going to have to check “Divorced” on any marital status questions. I wish that my kids had both their parents in the same house and didn’t have to deal with everything they now have to deal with. So no, I’m not really happy that I’m divorced. But I had to get divorced. It couldn’t stay the way it was and the past wasn’t going to change. I am capable of forgiveness once, but twice, on something so fundamental, is just beyond my ability. I deserve better. I deserve to be happy. And now I am.

I am happy to be done with the process of divorce. Overall, we have kept things very civil during the whole thing and we didn’t have to take anything to court. We were able to agree to the terms without making it a legal battle. There were some close calls, some nasty words, and even some tears, but we’ve come to agreements on everything that suits us both and I’m confident that we can manage things from here on out. Not without frustration, of course, but we lead relatively simple lives and neither of us cares to create unnecessary drama.

I’m still very close to his family. They’ve been incredibly supportive through this whole thing. They wish that things could have been different, but they know that maintaining a good relationship with me is vital to all of us, for the sake of the kids. It’s all going to be ok because that’s the top priority for all of us. Not only do they provide moral support, they also provide childcare. They watch our kids every day after school and are so integral in our kid’s lives. Having a good relationship with them is so key. I’ve told them for years that we couldn’t do it without them, and nothing has changed there.

The main question everyone has is about the kids. How are they doing? It’s impossible for this situation not to affect them. Babe is too young to really understand any of it, and she seems to adjust really well. I think she’s adaptable in general, so that really helps her to deal with what comes. Bud is struggling a bit more. He’s old enough to remember what it used to be like. A few weeks ago he told me that he wishes we could all be in the same house again, me in the kitchen, my ex in the living room and him playing with his toys. What he doesn’t realize is that I was hiding in the kitchen so I didn’t have to deal with my ex. And my ex was in the living room ignoring all of us. But that was “normal” for us and so Bud misses “normal.” I don’t blame him. Our custody arrangement isn’t the easiest on him either. We split 2 days-2 days-3 days (ensuring we each have the kids for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday every other week). It really works for us, but it isn’t so easy for them to be jumping back and forth between houses. It won’t stay like this, the arrangement will evolve as our lives evolve and the kids grow older. But for now, this is the best arrangement. They get to see us an equal amount of time, and that’s very important to all of us. My ex was a terrible husband, but he’s a very devoted father and I would never take them away from each other.

To add to the custody struggle, my ex had his girlfriend and two (slightly older) children move in. I’ve known his girlfriend for years (she was his sister’s best friend growing up) so they know each other well, and I’ve always gotten along with her and think she’s a good mom. I also think it’s very important to have a working relationship with her. It’s in all of our best interests. Plus, I don’t want to be with my ex in the least, so there is no ill will about it at all. But now my kids suddenly went from being one of two, to being one of four, and the transition hasn’t been easy for Bud. He’s struggling to adjust to a new set of rules in the house he’s lived in for more than half of his life, and he’s struggling with all the “stuff” that she’s brought into the house. He says that she moved in and took over the house. That’s hard for a 7 year old to deal with. I think part of the reason he’s struggling so much is that he’s not as adaptable as Babe. I don’t think her “new rules” are unreasonable, and of course she moved her stuff in. But he doesn’t like that we aren’t together anymore and he can’t get past that to be accepting of all the change. I can’t say I blame him. I just feel awful that I can’t do anything to change it for him.

With all these changes, he’s beginning to have difficulty at school. He’s the smartest boy around, he has no trouble learning, but his focus is non-existent. If the teacher isn’t right on him all the time he does everything but his work. His teacher can’t be on top of him all the time though. We are working with the school to figure out what we can do to help the situation. We’ll see what happens there.

Outside of school he’s doing very well. He is a happy boy and is so damn smart! I have a hard time keeping up with him sometimes! Thank God for Google! He is old enough now to do a lot of things on his own. He makes himself breakfast most mornings (meaning mama gets to sleep in a few extra minutes…holla!!!!) and then he brushes his teeth without being told. I still pick out his clothes because I prefer he not look  like a homeless person, but once his clothes are out he dresses himself. It’s a glorious thing. And we’ve become much closer with all that’s going on. We’ve had some really great conversations and I think that’s helped both of us handle some of the rougher aspects. He’s such a good kid. I know he’ll be ok, but I also have to make sure I keep on top of things so I don’t lose him. I’m not too worried.

So let’s leave this part here. I’m divorced. Now on to the next chapter…

Lily

When is it OK to forgive the unforgivable?

For privacy sake I’m not going to go into full details, but what is helpful to know is that I used to be best friends with someone until she completely betrayed my trust in one of the worst possible ways. At the time I really wanted to put it behind us and remain friends. I tried, but I just couldn’t. It was too raw and even though rational me said it was ok to forgive and forget, emotional me was all “Nut uh girl! She best be steppin!” 

It’s been almost  a year now and I’ve seen her a time or two but it was in passing and that was it. The hard part about this whole thing is that her son and Bud are best friends. Best, best, best friends! And this year they aren’t in the same class so they barely see each other at school and they don’t get to hang out outside of school either. As hurt as I was that still made me feel bad for the kids. They can’t control any of that and I hated to see them pay for it.

No one has ever faulted me for ending the friendship, in fact people thought I was crazy to even try to make it work. But, last night I saw her at the local ice cream place (ironically, the same place we met for the first time several years ago) and we chatted for a bit. I felt like I was meeting a past lover who I never got over. I realized how much I missed her! She’s fun and spontaneous, but also a planner, and we get along so well with no effort at all. 

I think I want to try to start up our friendship again. Part of me is excited at the prospect of having her as a friend again. The other part screams that I’m an idiot and if she could hurt me that badly once, she’s not going to hesitate to do it again. Am I just setting myself up for more pain? Or should I forgive her and move on? Maybe I’ve already forgiven her. Her actions were a catalyst for other things but they certainly weren’t the “reason” things went down the way they did. Maybe I should even thank her, because really everything has worked out for the best. I think maybe it will be easier to forgive than forget. But I think it might be worth a shot. I’m pretty sure we won’t ever be as close as we once were, but I think that’s ok. It will just be nice to have an old friend back, and someone to take excursions to the zoo with, and all the other things that I’m so bad about doing. So I think I’ll try to forgive…and if I’m lucky, even forget. 

Lily

I guess it was bound to happen, I just wish I'd been prepared

Have you ever been in a room full of people who are welcoming and genuinely glad to have you there but have never felt so lonely in your life? I'm thankful for a lot of things, most of all my kids and my family. But that's what makes it so hard to know that I just am not a part of a really good one anymore. 

I had the kids for thanksgiving, but for a variety of reasons it made the most sense to spend it with my ex and his family. His family are some of the nicest, most welcoming and caring people I know. In fact, they are a big part of the reason I chose to marry him in the first place. I like being a part of their group. And today was no different. Except it was. I've already mourned the loss of my marriage but now I'm struggling with the loss of his family. They are nothing but supportive of me and again, always welcoming, but it was very obvious today that I can't be a part of it anymore, no matter how much we all think I can be. I didn't expect today to be quite so difficult. As in any divorce, things aren't always pleasant, but we've made a really solid effort to keep things civil and nice, particularly for the kids. So while I knew it would probably be a little awkward, I didn't expect to have such a strong emotional reaction to the day. 

My ex's girlfriend was there for part of the day too (which I knew ahead of time so I was prepared - I thought). I like her, she's been a family friend forever and so I know her and her kids pretty well. She's a great mom and I think they could have something really good. They just go well together. But that's just it. It's like they already have this nice little family unit going and I'm just excess baggage. I know my kids always need me and I'm their mother and all that comes with it. But my ex and his girlfriend are able to provide that sense of family that my kids are so desperately missing right now. My ex is living in our family home, and while my apartment is comfortable, I can't provide that family feeling. All that I have here belongs to my ex. This is his territory and all I've ever been a part of up here has been because of him and the people he knows. I've never felt that as strongly as I did today. My family lives far away and I never made friends with anyone while we were together (well I did, but that's why I'm not married anymore - but that's besides the point). Because we don't get to see my family very often it makes it special when we get to see them, but I can't provide that on a constant basis for my kids, and I don't get to experience it for myself either. And it all leaves me feeling hollow, inadequate, and unbelievably sad. 

Don't get me wrong, I am so happy that my kids have my in-laws to love and care for them and provide them with the sense of family they need and deserve. And I am thankful that my ex has found a person that will love and treat my children they way they should be treated. But I can't help but feel I'm being left behind and I'm not good enough. 

I'm counting my blessings today, but I'm also mourning the loss of what it felt like to be a part of my family. 

Lily

A Goodbye I Don't Want to Say

An administrative level position came open in my office after about 10 months of working here. Even though I only worked here a relatively short time, I felt confident that I could do a good job at the administrative level, and my boss thought the same thing. After interviewing me and several other candidates, my boss hinted that I was basically a shoo-in. Then she told me they had one more interview. She was a late applicant but had a lot of experience so they had to interview her. Ok, no big deal. The next day my boss called me in and told me they offered the job to that late applicant. I put on my happy face and hide my extreme disappointment. She told me that they knew I’d do a good job but the lady they had chosen had a ton of experience and would be an excellent addition to our office. Yeah ok, whatever.  

Little did I know the impact this would have on my life. This lady that they, very rightly, chose over me is now one of my closest and dearest friends. I can honestly say that I wouldn’t have survived these last six years without her, professionally or personally. Maura is one of those people who embodies the spirit of goodness. Her level of compassion and caring is unparalleled and I am so grateful to call her my friend. I have never worked so well with someone, or had such a perfect complement and balance in a teammate. We fill each other’s deficiencies perfectly and sometimes I feel like we are just an extension of each other. But it’s not just work stuff. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs in the last 6 years, especially this last year. I’ve cried more in her cubicle than any other place combined. She’s helped me talk through more issues than I care to remember. She knows when to give advice and when to just listen. She heaps on the support and love in ways that I never thought possible. She has been my crutch when I thought I couldn’t move. She has been my motivation when I didn’t think I could go a second longer. She has held me up when all I wanted to do was crumble. But, of course, that’s not all. She has also been an amazing mentor to me. She never let an opportunity to teach me something pass by. She always included me and went out of her way to show me how to do something. I can say without question, I am a better person for knowing Maura.

On Friday she gave her two-week notice and I’m afraid I’m going to grab onto her leg and never let go as she walks out of the door on her last day. She has been my life support and I can’t fathom coming to work without her here. She is making the right decision and I am so happy that she doing what is best for her…but damn I’m going to miss her. Of course we will stay in touch as much as humanly possible, but there will be a gaping void that cannot be filled.

So Maurina, I’m going to miss you more than words can describe. But once again you are being a perfect role model as you embark on an uncertain, but necessary, future. Your faith in God and in yourself makes everyone around you a better person. I wish you all the happiness in the world and I look forward to continuing our friendship despite the distance. Good luck my dear friend. Thank you for being you and for all you have done for me in these last six years! I will cherish our friendship forever!

Lily

Times they are a changin

I knew going in (everyone knows going in, right?) that there would be a lot of changes taking place with this divorce. Change is fine, I’m ok with change, but executing change…that isn’t always easy. It’s the little things that are hardest. One of the hardest habits for me to break is saying “we” instead of “I.” I’ve been a “we” for so long, my entire world as I’ve known it for the past 8+ years has been “we.” And we really were a “we.” We did everything together and it was truly “what’s mine is yours” and also mine…don’t TOUCH my food. But now it’s not “we.” Now it’s “me” or “I” but I still say “we” and I can’t seem to break it. “Oh! We like that movie so much!” “Yes, we eat there all the time!” “Whenever we go there we do that too!” “We have that in our house and love it!” I’m hoping it gets better when I’m in my own apartment and not “our” house anymore. 

Which brings me to my next topic of change…my new apartment. I’m moving to an apartment in a couple of weeks. He won’t find an apartment and the current living arrangement isn’t working for me and is only confusing the kids so it was time for me to suck it up and get an apartment. I’m really sad about leaving my house and that’s all I’m going to say about that.

The other hard part is what to call him and his family now. Technically we are not divorced yet so he’s still my “husband” and calling him my “ex-husband” doesn’t sound quite right. It will, when the divorce is official, but now it just doesn’t feel right because it’s not official. But calling him my husband also isn’t right. I need a word for this in-between stage. My children’s father? (Which just makes it sound like he’s my baby daddy and…just no.) My future ex-husband? That guy? And what about his parents? We live in a small town and having their last name means I get a lot of “Are you related to them?” My usual answer of “Yes, I’m their daughter-in-law” doesn’t seem right anymore. But it also doesn’t seem right not to say I’m their daughter-in-law. They are so kind to me and have been incredibly supportive of me and continue to welcome me into their home with no weirdness. So I really don’t want to say I’m not their daughter-in-law. And I definitely don’t want to say I’m their ex-daughter-in-law. It sounds kind of cruel to me. A few times I’ve said “my soon-to-be ex-husband” or “my soon-to-be ex-in-laws” but that’s just awkward and then makes the person I’m talking to REALLY uncomfortable so I try not to use that one too often. I’m not looking for pity and that one invites it. So I’m in this weird limbo stage where I don’t have a good answer for anything and everything I say sounds weird and not right.

I will most certainly get through it all, but navigating through it isn’t easy and the feeling of being lost can sometimes be overwhelming. But change is a part of life an even bigger part now that I’ll have to be doing my laundry at the laundry mat. Time to save up my change to plunk into the washer and dryer. This too shall pass.

Lily