First Day of School -- The Better Late Than Never edition

I like a trend to really take hold and sort of be on the way out before I latch on. I don't know why but it's always been my way. I first realized it when Pogs (remember those) hit my school. I scoffed at the stupid new game and proudly held to my non-pog playing position. And then I realized I was kind of missing out and I humbly asked my mom to take me to the drugstore to buy my first set. Henceforth a full-fledged pogger I became. 

So much like my pogging story, I like to arrive late to the party and so I present you with my 3 week late First Day of School post.  


Kindergarten and 3rd grade. WTF dude? I have a third grader! And my baby is in full-day kindergarten. [Insert mind exploding here]

I wasn't scheduled to have the kids that morning and I frantically and pathetically begged their father to let me have them for the night so I could get the ready for their first day and do our traditional first day of school activities like freak out that Bud's pants don't fit him because he grew 7 feet overnight and scream at Babe to find out where she put her damned lunch box that I told her not to play with. Thankfully he took pity on me (since he leaves for work so early he wouldn't be the one to get them ready anyway) and I was able to salvage one of the few traditions I've established over the course of their short lives. First Day of School pictures at grandma's house! You'd think "grandma's house" would be my mom, but no, it's my ex's mom. We still have a fabulous relationship, and possibly an even stronger relationship now, and we are still very much a part of each others lives. I don't know what I would do without them! But enough of that. It's picture time!!

Do I have beautiful children or what?

Bud says: "Let's be lions!" Babe says: "I'm too cute to be a lion!"

Still a lion. Still a cutie.

I told them to get excited! Bud's more worried about not looking into the sun.

"Seriously mom, I can't look into the sun anymore!"

Babe says sun is no excuse to hold back on the sass! 

My non-baby-OMG-when-did-you-even-become-real-kids kids

He's finally coming around to the whole posing for the camera thing. 

(It's because he secretly hopes I'll post stuff to Facebook)

Kindergarten. Just...kindergarten. Whoa.

I am so proud of these kids! They've had to deal (and are still dealing) with a lot over the past year and a half, but they are both amazing individuals. Bud is so smart it's scary. He understands things that he has no business understanding at 8 years old and he just craves knowledge like no child I have ever met before. He's funny and silly and so compassionate. Babe brings vibrancy to every dark corner. Her personality and exuberance for life and fun is unrivaled. She is sassy and smart and thoughtful. They both make me laugh and make me strive to be a better person and a better mother. I couldn't ask for more. I think it's going to be a good year.


Lily

Divorce

Next let’s move on to something a long time coming and, happily, now resolved: my divorce. When I say “happily,” I don’t mean that I’m happy to be divorced. I wish things didn’t go down this way, and I really dislike that I’m going to have to check “Divorced” on any marital status questions. I wish that my kids had both their parents in the same house and didn’t have to deal with everything they now have to deal with. So no, I’m not really happy that I’m divorced. But I had to get divorced. It couldn’t stay the way it was and the past wasn’t going to change. I am capable of forgiveness once, but twice, on something so fundamental, is just beyond my ability. I deserve better. I deserve to be happy. And now I am.

I am happy to be done with the process of divorce. Overall, we have kept things very civil during the whole thing and we didn’t have to take anything to court. We were able to agree to the terms without making it a legal battle. There were some close calls, some nasty words, and even some tears, but we’ve come to agreements on everything that suits us both and I’m confident that we can manage things from here on out. Not without frustration, of course, but we lead relatively simple lives and neither of us cares to create unnecessary drama.

I’m still very close to his family. They’ve been incredibly supportive through this whole thing. They wish that things could have been different, but they know that maintaining a good relationship with me is vital to all of us, for the sake of the kids. It’s all going to be ok because that’s the top priority for all of us. Not only do they provide moral support, they also provide childcare. They watch our kids every day after school and are so integral in our kid’s lives. Having a good relationship with them is so key. I’ve told them for years that we couldn’t do it without them, and nothing has changed there.

The main question everyone has is about the kids. How are they doing? It’s impossible for this situation not to affect them. Babe is too young to really understand any of it, and she seems to adjust really well. I think she’s adaptable in general, so that really helps her to deal with what comes. Bud is struggling a bit more. He’s old enough to remember what it used to be like. A few weeks ago he told me that he wishes we could all be in the same house again, me in the kitchen, my ex in the living room and him playing with his toys. What he doesn’t realize is that I was hiding in the kitchen so I didn’t have to deal with my ex. And my ex was in the living room ignoring all of us. But that was “normal” for us and so Bud misses “normal.” I don’t blame him. Our custody arrangement isn’t the easiest on him either. We split 2 days-2 days-3 days (ensuring we each have the kids for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday every other week). It really works for us, but it isn’t so easy for them to be jumping back and forth between houses. It won’t stay like this, the arrangement will evolve as our lives evolve and the kids grow older. But for now, this is the best arrangement. They get to see us an equal amount of time, and that’s very important to all of us. My ex was a terrible husband, but he’s a very devoted father and I would never take them away from each other.

To add to the custody struggle, my ex had his girlfriend and two (slightly older) children move in. I’ve known his girlfriend for years (she was his sister’s best friend growing up) so they know each other well, and I’ve always gotten along with her and think she’s a good mom. I also think it’s very important to have a working relationship with her. It’s in all of our best interests. Plus, I don’t want to be with my ex in the least, so there is no ill will about it at all. But now my kids suddenly went from being one of two, to being one of four, and the transition hasn’t been easy for Bud. He’s struggling to adjust to a new set of rules in the house he’s lived in for more than half of his life, and he’s struggling with all the “stuff” that she’s brought into the house. He says that she moved in and took over the house. That’s hard for a 7 year old to deal with. I think part of the reason he’s struggling so much is that he’s not as adaptable as Babe. I don’t think her “new rules” are unreasonable, and of course she moved her stuff in. But he doesn’t like that we aren’t together anymore and he can’t get past that to be accepting of all the change. I can’t say I blame him. I just feel awful that I can’t do anything to change it for him.

With all these changes, he’s beginning to have difficulty at school. He’s the smartest boy around, he has no trouble learning, but his focus is non-existent. If the teacher isn’t right on him all the time he does everything but his work. His teacher can’t be on top of him all the time though. We are working with the school to figure out what we can do to help the situation. We’ll see what happens there.

Outside of school he’s doing very well. He is a happy boy and is so damn smart! I have a hard time keeping up with him sometimes! Thank God for Google! He is old enough now to do a lot of things on his own. He makes himself breakfast most mornings (meaning mama gets to sleep in a few extra minutes…holla!!!!) and then he brushes his teeth without being told. I still pick out his clothes because I prefer he not look  like a homeless person, but once his clothes are out he dresses himself. It’s a glorious thing. And we’ve become much closer with all that’s going on. We’ve had some really great conversations and I think that’s helped both of us handle some of the rougher aspects. He’s such a good kid. I know he’ll be ok, but I also have to make sure I keep on top of things so I don’t lose him. I’m not too worried.

So let’s leave this part here. I’m divorced. Now on to the next chapter…

Lily

A Goodbye I Don't Want to Say

An administrative level position came open in my office after about 10 months of working here. Even though I only worked here a relatively short time, I felt confident that I could do a good job at the administrative level, and my boss thought the same thing. After interviewing me and several other candidates, my boss hinted that I was basically a shoo-in. Then she told me they had one more interview. She was a late applicant but had a lot of experience so they had to interview her. Ok, no big deal. The next day my boss called me in and told me they offered the job to that late applicant. I put on my happy face and hide my extreme disappointment. She told me that they knew I’d do a good job but the lady they had chosen had a ton of experience and would be an excellent addition to our office. Yeah ok, whatever.  

Little did I know the impact this would have on my life. This lady that they, very rightly, chose over me is now one of my closest and dearest friends. I can honestly say that I wouldn’t have survived these last six years without her, professionally or personally. Maura is one of those people who embodies the spirit of goodness. Her level of compassion and caring is unparalleled and I am so grateful to call her my friend. I have never worked so well with someone, or had such a perfect complement and balance in a teammate. We fill each other’s deficiencies perfectly and sometimes I feel like we are just an extension of each other. But it’s not just work stuff. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs in the last 6 years, especially this last year. I’ve cried more in her cubicle than any other place combined. She’s helped me talk through more issues than I care to remember. She knows when to give advice and when to just listen. She heaps on the support and love in ways that I never thought possible. She has been my crutch when I thought I couldn’t move. She has been my motivation when I didn’t think I could go a second longer. She has held me up when all I wanted to do was crumble. But, of course, that’s not all. She has also been an amazing mentor to me. She never let an opportunity to teach me something pass by. She always included me and went out of her way to show me how to do something. I can say without question, I am a better person for knowing Maura.

On Friday she gave her two-week notice and I’m afraid I’m going to grab onto her leg and never let go as she walks out of the door on her last day. She has been my life support and I can’t fathom coming to work without her here. She is making the right decision and I am so happy that she doing what is best for her…but damn I’m going to miss her. Of course we will stay in touch as much as humanly possible, but there will be a gaping void that cannot be filled.

So Maurina, I’m going to miss you more than words can describe. But once again you are being a perfect role model as you embark on an uncertain, but necessary, future. Your faith in God and in yourself makes everyone around you a better person. I wish you all the happiness in the world and I look forward to continuing our friendship despite the distance. Good luck my dear friend. Thank you for being you and for all you have done for me in these last six years! I will cherish our friendship forever!

Lily

Times they are a changin

I knew going in (everyone knows going in, right?) that there would be a lot of changes taking place with this divorce. Change is fine, I’m ok with change, but executing change…that isn’t always easy. It’s the little things that are hardest. One of the hardest habits for me to break is saying “we” instead of “I.” I’ve been a “we” for so long, my entire world as I’ve known it for the past 8+ years has been “we.” And we really were a “we.” We did everything together and it was truly “what’s mine is yours” and also mine…don’t TOUCH my food. But now it’s not “we.” Now it’s “me” or “I” but I still say “we” and I can’t seem to break it. “Oh! We like that movie so much!” “Yes, we eat there all the time!” “Whenever we go there we do that too!” “We have that in our house and love it!” I’m hoping it gets better when I’m in my own apartment and not “our” house anymore. 

Which brings me to my next topic of change…my new apartment. I’m moving to an apartment in a couple of weeks. He won’t find an apartment and the current living arrangement isn’t working for me and is only confusing the kids so it was time for me to suck it up and get an apartment. I’m really sad about leaving my house and that’s all I’m going to say about that.

The other hard part is what to call him and his family now. Technically we are not divorced yet so he’s still my “husband” and calling him my “ex-husband” doesn’t sound quite right. It will, when the divorce is official, but now it just doesn’t feel right because it’s not official. But calling him my husband also isn’t right. I need a word for this in-between stage. My children’s father? (Which just makes it sound like he’s my baby daddy and…just no.) My future ex-husband? That guy? And what about his parents? We live in a small town and having their last name means I get a lot of “Are you related to them?” My usual answer of “Yes, I’m their daughter-in-law” doesn’t seem right anymore. But it also doesn’t seem right not to say I’m their daughter-in-law. They are so kind to me and have been incredibly supportive of me and continue to welcome me into their home with no weirdness. So I really don’t want to say I’m not their daughter-in-law. And I definitely don’t want to say I’m their ex-daughter-in-law. It sounds kind of cruel to me. A few times I’ve said “my soon-to-be ex-husband” or “my soon-to-be ex-in-laws” but that’s just awkward and then makes the person I’m talking to REALLY uncomfortable so I try not to use that one too often. I’m not looking for pity and that one invites it. So I’m in this weird limbo stage where I don’t have a good answer for anything and everything I say sounds weird and not right.

I will most certainly get through it all, but navigating through it isn’t easy and the feeling of being lost can sometimes be overwhelming. But change is a part of life an even bigger part now that I’ll have to be doing my laundry at the laundry mat. Time to save up my change to plunk into the washer and dryer. This too shall pass.

Lily

A new journey

How does one discover who they are? What makes up a person? How do you decide what kind of person you want to be? I am a mother, a sister, a cousin, a friend, a (soon to be) ex-wife, an athlete, a co-worker. But being a mother doesn't define me anymore than being a co-worker. What makes me uniquely myself? I don’t know these answers and in the last 10 years I have gotten miles further away than when I was 20. So how do I discover the answers? I keep saying that I have lost my identity, that I don’t know who I am anymore. Some of that has been my situation but it’s happened because I let it happen. What makes me happy? There are a million little things that bring me pleasure, the joy of seeing my children blissfully happy playing and laughing tops the list, but that’s not the kind of happy I’m talking about. What makes me happy with myself? What makes me the person I am or want to be? How do I become a person whom I respect? How do I become a person I like? Who am I? I don’t know. I don’t know where to start. 

This process of self-discovery is scary and exciting. I relish the opportunity to find out who I am and who I can be and what I can achieve. But I am also fearful because I don’t know where the starting line is. I do not have directions. I like direction. I can deal with bumps in the road and obstacles thrown in my path, but first I need to be on the path. I want to have a plan. Plans change and that’s ok but I want a plan to start with. So without a plan, with no direction, I feel lost and afraid.

Hindsight has let me see that I lose myself in relationships. I am so desperate for acceptance that I mold myself into what I think other people want so I can gain their acceptance. Except then I’m not myself and on an unconscious level I know it and the other person knows it and it infects the relationship. But to stop that cycle I have to first learn who I am. I need that so I can stay true to myself. That has to be my focus. It's time to become unapologetically (<--that's a word no matter what spell check says) myself. 

Who Am I? This is my journey, starting now…

Lily

Catching up

So we've had a busy few days. Let's start with the bad news and work our way to the good. 

Last night Bud was playing tag at the park and turned to run away and smacked right into a pole! He turned ash white and started to vomit. Awesome. He has a grade 2 concussion. He's doing ok but I have to keep a close watch on him. I had to wake him up every two hours to make sure he was responsive (he was) and we are keeping a cold compress on the bump which has really helped the swelling. Hopefully he doesn't show any symptoms in the next 7 days. 

Let's not dwell and make me freak out that my 6 year old has a concussion, shall we move on?

Moving chronologically, I got my grade in my Shakespeare class yesterday. I got an A-!! Look...

For real, that's MY grade! In Shakespeare. Whoa!

Now to a real scary fun topic! Babe is officially done with nursery school! How is that even possible? She can (mostly) write her name and can do all the skills she should be doing and now she's ready to move on to pre-k in the fall. Holy crap! She had an end-of-year program this past weekend where she looked way older than she should. 

She has the best little smiles

Where'd my little girl go?

She's so beautiful...if I do say so myself

The program was the typical mix of adorable and painful, but there were some moments that stole the show.

The moment she spotted us in the crowd. 

She was soooo excited that we were front and center!

Anyone familiar with the song Tooty-Ta? Hilarious!

Possibly my favorite picture. 

(The little boy is our family friend .)

That little smile!

She looks just like my sister-in-law in this picture. That's a very good thing! :-)

Lily

It's time

I've been wanting to say something for a while. I even have this really gut-wrenching unpublished post written in which I go on and on about how hard of a decision this has been and how I'm constantly doubting my decision because I don't want to tear our family apart. But recent events, better left unsaid here, have forced me to change my outlook on the situation. All doubt has vanished. I am getting divorced.

It still sucks, very very much sucks, but I believe in signs, little ways for God, or the universe, or whatever deity you believe in, to show you that you are making the right decision. I have made the right decision. It is time to move forward. It is not going to be easy. I'm scared out of my mind for what lies ahead. But - it is right. We are toxic for each other. We both deserve better. I cannot forget the past and so I will learn from it. 

The most important thing is that we work together - which will be hard since it's something we weren't able to do as husband and wife, but we have to - to ensure that the kids have the best life possible. We have to put aside our hurt, our resentment, our anger, grief, sorrow, pain, frustration, all of it needs to be put aside so that we can ensure our kids are happy and healthy and well cared for. I want our kids to see that sometimes things don't work out the way you expect, but you make the best of the situation and you move forward, always learning from the past so that you can make better decisions in the future. 

We failed. As husband and wife we failed each other. But it's an opportunity to show our kids that failure is not the end. It's a chance to reset, to start a different path, a brighter path and this time with road signs(!), with experience guiding you in a better direction and allowing you to navigate smarter. 

As much as I wish we could remain a family, I know this is right. We are getting divorced.

Lily

Thought Vomit is all I'm capable of

Today is my sister’s birthday. Even though she’s been gone for 12 years it’s still her birthday. Always will be. I don’t feel particularly insightful today so I will leave it at that.

Super Grandma is hanging in there but she now under the care of hospice. Waiting to die, knowing it literally could come at any moment is just cruel. We are all doing our best to make her as comfortable as possible.

On to happy news so I don't break down into a puddle of tears. On Friday I am taking to the friendly skies traveling westward to visit my aunt in Seattle. I can’t wait! Just me and my mom are going for a long weekend. We have never taken a trip just the two of us. I get to leave behind responsibility for a few days (I hope my aunt doesn’t mind if I wipe her mouth if she gets a milk mustache) and just enjoy being with two fabulous ladies. It is a long needed break from the stress of life and while I will miss my kids and yes, Husband, even you, I really can’t wait to get away for a few days!

In the meantime, I’m going to have a couple of guest blogs while I am away. (Is it weird that I will have more frequent posts while I’m away then when I’m sitting at my computer all day?) I hope you enjoy.

In other news, the other day I read a hilarious post by Natalie. If you don’t know Natalie then you are not experiencing all the joy that you could be experiencing. I hope you’ll rectify that by clinking this link here to read about her toilet story. As I read it (and if you read the comments at the end of that post you’ll see I’m not lying) I couldn’t help but think of my very similar story. Really, get ready for the best day ever (assuming you also clicked on Natalie’s link) where you get TWO toilet stories for the price of one. You’re welcome.

A few weeks ago we went to visit my cousin on Long Island (remember the ticks?) and we had a really great party at her house. As fun parties do, it lasted all day and into the night. I’m no stranger to pooping wherever I have to but obviously I prefer a place away from large groups of people. (I’m considerate like that.) The urge hit and I wasn’t going to be able to hold it until everyone left. Thankfully my cousin’s house has a basement AND a bathroom in the basement. Lovelier words have never been spoken. So I slipped downstairs and did what I had to do. Relieved, I got up and flushed. And looked on as my waste swirled but did not descend into the wonders of indoor plumbing. It just swirled there, mocking me. As I stood there with my shoulders slumped and my head hanging, the water drained away leaving my offering to the porcelain gods half submerged in murky water. Despite the risks, I flushed again. Perhaps the fates would take pity on me and make the second time the charm. To no avail. This is a good time to mention that I am incapable of unclogging a toilet. I am an expert, nay, a savant when it comes to clogging it (ask my dad and husband) but the Lord has rendered me incapable of fixing my own problem, forcing me to drag others into my misfortune. I searched around, hoping to find a plunger so I could discreetly ask for my husband’s unrivaled magic unclogging powers but once again, I was not so lucky. I went upstairs and pulled my cousin aside so she could laugh in my face to ask for a plunger. It was downstairs (apparently she doesn’t have my issues and a plunger is not necessary in every bathroom just feet away from the toilet – please pronounce this as twa-lay as my co-worker does. It just makes it better.) so the three of us (me, her, and my husband…truly, he has magical unclogging powers) descended the stairs to my shame. She retrieved the plunger and scurried upstairs…with me on her heels, leaving my husband to force the porcelain gods to bend to his will and eradicate my indignity along with my pride. The moral of the story? Life can be shitty but everyone should have a husband who is willing to save you in your moment of shame.

I’ll leave you with that dear readers. You’re welcome.

Lily

Super Grandma - update

So the Super Grandma situation isn’t looking the best right now. She had a 6 hour surgery scheduled for this morning to remove parts of her pancreas, small intestines, and her gallbladder. They went in lapascopically (lathroscopically? Spell check doesn’t like either so you choose which you like better) and removed the gallbladder and in the meantime discovered that the cancer had spread more than they thought. So they closed her up and aborted the rest of the surgery. They are recommending chemo but she’s been pretty adamant that she doesn’t want chemo or radiation so we’ll see about that.

When she woke up from the surgery she asked how it went and when they told her they didn’t continue her response was “Good, I’ll die faster.”

(Enter my family’s collective heart breaking here)

All of my reasons for wanting her to live longer are selfish. She’s 87 years old, she’s led a wonderful, full life. She has a huge family that love her more than we can ever express. Her faith has seen her though so much and is getting her through this now. I know death would be a relief for her but it’s the survivors that suffer. I don’t want to be a survivor again. I want her with us so we can gather at her house for our loud, happy, fun family get-togethers. I want her with us so I can call her and ask for her prayers and talk to her and have her tell me everything will work out the way it should. I want to hear her call me by the pet name that only she is allowed to call me. And yes, I know that I will be able to “talk” to her and pray to her after she I gone. But you know what? I want more than that. It’s selfish and childlike but I don’t care. I want to stomp my feet and hold my breath until she is better. I want her to laugh at my kids and say “God Bless you” as we pile in the car for our trip home. I want my Grandma.

Right now I have no idea how long they are expecting her to live. I have no idea if she will leave the hospital, if I’ll get to see her alive again, or if she’ll be around for Babe going to 1^st grade (3 years away). I have no idea.

This whole thing has me feeling helpless. My family has been wonderful about keeping everyone posted and we are all weighing in with thoughts, suggestions, concerns. But, I feel way out of my league. Thankfully my mom and all of her sister’s and brother’s are running the show but I can’t help but think that someday I am going to be the person responsible for my parents. Right now they are all taking shifts staying in the hospital with her. I’m pretty sure she hasn’t spent a night alone yet. It has meant sleeping in uncomfortable chairs and eating cafeteria food for a few weeks but there is always someone there to take the next shift. Everyone is doing everything they can to make her comfortable and well cared for. She is so lucky.

Thinking of going through this with my parents (in a very long, long time, got that parents?!!) I can’t help but think I’m not going to be able to do this for my parents. It makes me incredibly sad.

Sorry about all this gloom and doom lately. I much prefer to do the happy upbeat routine but right now I can’t. Hopefully we’ll be back to our regularly scheduled programming soon!

Lily

Thought Vomit Wednesday

So you might not know this about me but I think about some really random crap. (I know! Hard to believe, right!) Most of the time I spare you guys the details but I have come across the perfect platform to spew my mind vomit all across the Internet. 

Thought Vomit Thursdays was brought to my attention by Josey over at “My Cheap Version of therapy”

 (Go ahead and click the link. She’s fun. The first link will bring you to her home page, the second will bring you to her first TVT post.)

Here goes…

So yeah, lot’s to talk about. It’s been a while and I think a Thought Vomit post is just about right for this mish-mash we need to discuss.

A)  Super Grandma keeps living up to her title. The mass on her pancreas was a fluid filled cyst and the surgeon who drained it yesterday said he didn’t think it looked cancerous. YAY! But we still have to get the pathology results back so we are sitting tight on the celebration. She also has a few more hurdles to overcome before she can go home. (Her poop has been a hot topic of discussion in my family. We love you Super Grandma! You can do it! Give us a big ol’ poop we can be proud of!)

2)  A couple of weeks ago now I left you hanging on a weekend getaway for me and the husband. It went really well. We had a really great view of the lake from our hotel and rented some kayak’s and voiced big dreams as we paddled past all the beautiful lakefront cottages. It was a much needed getaway and it was definitely a good distraction.

III)  Speaking of the husband, I’d really like this roller coaster to be over now. The suckiest part, it’s my attitude and actions that are causing most of the bumps. We had a kind of breakthrough, or I should say , I did about myself, so figuring out a major issue is great, but I still don’t know how to get over it. Baby steps are one thing, these micro steps are frustrating.

D)  We went to visit my cousins on Long Island a couple of weekends ago. It was a fabulous weekend with a little surprise party for me and ended with Bud (and the rest of us) being covered in ticks. It was amazing! Oh, what? It’s not normal to end a fabulous weekend with ticks? Then obviously you haven’t had my cousin try to show you a fabulous weekend. (I love you Wench!) So this story could be a whole post of its own but you see how great I’ve been about posting. If I wait I fear it will never get posted. So, very long story short, we wanted to do one more thing before we left to go home so we decided to go to a historic house right on the ocean. It was pretty awesome. At the end we walked around the family cemetery plot and then got back in the car to head home. As we were backing out Bud said there were bugs on him. Being overly dramatic and scared of bugs I told him it was just dirt and to brush it off. His response? “But they are moving!!” So I took off my seat belt (I was in the 3^rd row of my mom mobile) and looked to find THOUSANDS of ticks on him. I wish I was exaggerating. There were thousands!! So I tossed him out of the car, stripped him down in the middle of the parking lot (thankfully it was deserted) and started wiping him down with baby wipes. His car seat was also covered so Wench wiped that down for me. As I was frantically wiping Bud down, my husband grabbed Babe to check her over. She had a few on her too. My husband said his shoes were completely covered in them too. He cleaned them off before I saw but he said he couldn’t even see his white socks because they were covered with ticks. I had a bunch on me and Wench had some on her. Her fiancé (it’s so fun to write that – they are recently engaged) didn’t get any because he didn’t walk around the cemetery like we did. Jerk! We stopped at CVS on the way home to buy some rubbing alcohol (apparently that kills them?) and we rubbed the kids down before throwing them in the tub. I can’t tell you how many times we have checked them (and ourselves) over but we seem to have escaped. I really don’t know how. Thank goodness Bud saw them pretty quickly, if not I can’t even imagine how many we all would have had!

5) I had my first master’s class yesterday. I was super prepared and read the first book a couple of weeks ago so I was all ready to intelligently discuss the boring as hell book. Until I found out that the professors switched which book we were reading first and I didn’t know. So instead I sat in the back with my head down and didn’t engage once. What a great way to start off my MA!!! Who rocks the house? Lily rocks the house!!

VI)  Babe is awesome. She routinely gets herself dressed in the morning before she even comes out of her bedroom. Reminder: she is 3. This morning I went in her room to shut off her A/C and this is what I found…

She even folded her underwear! Which means she actually CHANGED her underwear. I love this child. (We’ll work on getting the clothes in the hamper or back in her drawer but seriously, thank you dear Lord!) (And yes, she sleeps in a pink batman shirt. Have I mentioned that I love her?)

G)  Dudes, I turn 30 tomorrow. When did I get old enough to be 30? And what happened to my 20's? Seriously, it's a complete blur. 

Ok, I think this is enough vomit for one day. Huh, I missed blogging. I might have to do it more often.

Lily

Friday Flashback - Wall Building

Today’s flashback is a hindsight, a picture drawn with words if you will, rather than a real photo…sorry for the downer.

My Papa died in March 2000, my sister died April 5, 2000, I graduated from high school in May 2000, we moved to a different state in August 2000, 2 weeks after that I started college, a few months after that I broke up with my high school boyfriend and started “dating” someone else that was serving in the Air Force (he was an ex-boyfriend that I reconnected with). He came home from deployment shortly after we reconnected and I promptly fell in love with him and he promptly dumped me. I was so hurt, so pissed off, so utterly broken from all the change and stress that defined my life in that year.

I didn’t realize it at the time but looking back, that is when I started building walls. My childhood was relatively carefree and happy. I never dealt with any major issues (beyond which activity to play with my friends that day) so I didn’t know how to deal with all the stress and pain I found myself in. I’m a happy-go-lucky type of person, and I bet if you ask anyone who knew me then, they’d be shocked to hear I was having such a hard time. I smiled and sucked it up and went about my business. I even fooled myself. It’s only looking back now that I realize how traumatic that time really was. To make it through the day I ignored my problems. I didn’t analyze anything or give much attention to my feelings. And I started building walls. These walls kept me safe. How can anyone hurt you if you don’t let them close? I learned to keep them just far enough away that they think I’m letting them in but really there is a big, strong wall right in the middle. I was safe behind my walls. The best part, no one knew they were there…and I ignored the fact that they were. They just became part of me.

This really worked great for me. That is until I met my husband. We fell in love very quickly (we were engaged after 6 months and got married about 9 months after that). Yet, I still had my walls. I knew I wasn’t giving my husband the love he needed or deserved. I knew it but I had forgotten about my walls (they were so deeply ingrained that I didn’t see them as separate from me) so neither of us could see what the problem was. I don’t want to say I regret marrying him, because I don’t. He really is a wonderful person and a great father to our children. But my walls were causing hell. And then he got stuck in a job that sucked the rest of the life out of him and he changed. He became miserable and all the little negative parts of his personality became amplified. I’ll sum it up by saying our marriage sucked.

We almost divorced a couple of times but neither of us really wanted to. I knew it was mostly his job that was making him miserable but all that misery just reinforced my walls. I would not let him hurt me. I would not let him bring me down. He needed love and affection and would push hard for that, all the while being miserable in every other way. I worked under the premise that he can go on and be miserable but I am going to keep smiling and I’ll just do whatever I want to do with little regard to him. That worked splendidly for about zero seconds. Yet, we continued on like that for that entire time. It was a vicious cycle of him pushing for what he needed and me running as fast as I could in the other direction with my walls safely between us.

In October of last year he FINALLY got a new job. The hours weren’t great and the pay sucked but he was out of that hell hole that was his previous job! Things started to look up. Especially when he was offered an even better job a few months later, with better pay and MUCH better hours. Things were good.

And then they were not good. I will not go into detail here but I’ll just say that even my walls weren’t protecting me anymore. It was all just too much. I became miserable. I found myself driving home slowly because I didn’t want to be there. I stopped smiling. I started being mean because I didn’t care to make an effort not to be. I fell out of love.

With my walls no longer being effective and my realization that they really weren’t helping me anyway I decided I couldn’t pretend anymore. I couldn’t go on as we were, just pretending everything was ok. Everything was not ok. But now what? How do I cope when every coping mechanism I’ve ever used has failed me? I didn’t know what to do, what to think, how to act. Then the anxiety attacks started. I didn’t know what it was at first but after a couple of times I realized that’s what was happening. At that point I knew we hit bottom.

During my…breakdown (I guess you would call it that, although that sounds awfully dramatic) my husband had his own transformation. From what he’s tells me, he realized how good he has really had it, realized how miserable and horrible he was to us all and he is now looking at things in a whole new way. He’s happy. Don’t get me wrong, he is under no illusion that everything is ok, but he’s going forward with a positive attitude.

That brings me to my next problem. I don’t know how to handle this new, excited, optimistic person. At first I figured it was his way of trying to cheer me up and get me out of my funk. I appreciated his efforts but I just kept waiting for the old husband to come back so it wasn’t having too much effect on me. Then yesterday he responded to a chain of emails between me and my cousins (planning our upcoming trip to their house) and his response was cheery, upbeat, and completely frightening for me. That’s when I realized, not only do I have to get over the hurt and all of our past issues, but I also have to figure out who this new guy is. I feel myself trying to build more walls to guard myself against this unknown man trying to get me to love him. While part of me is enjoying this new guy, with his upbeat attitude, great suggestions for fun things to do on the weekends, helping around the house, the other part is reeling from the absolute change of direction. Who is this man and what has he done with my husband?? I have the urge to poke him with a stick (think the large poking device that the “Friends” gang fashioned so that they could see if Ugly Naked Guy was really dead or not) to see if he’s real or not. I just do not know how to cope.

The good thing is I’m facing the issues now. Really facing them. I don’t know where it will lead or how bumpy the road will be but that is where I am coming from and this is where I am now. Part of me can’t wait to see how it turns out, the other part…scared to death!

Lily

No where to go but up

It’s not a big secret that my husband and I don’t have a rock solid, everything-you-ever-wished-for kind of marriage. We have more of the “we suck at this” type of marriage. There have been some major issues and there have been some teeny tiny issues that have festered and have morphed into the stuff nightmares are made of. It’s been a super fun (almost) 8 years.

Recently, things have come to a head and that’s been really fun. I now know what an anxiety attack feels like (nothing like rainbows and kittens in case you were wondering), and we’ve never been closer to just calling it quits. Neither of us really wants to but at what point do we say “this is stupid” and move on? Obviously there are so many different factors to think about. The kids, of course, are the biggest concern. There is no question that both of us love them both beyond words. Neither of us can bear (bare? I suck at grammar and am too lazy to look it up) to think about not seeing them every day or coming home to their smiling faces. If I were to decide that I just can’t keep up the charade anymore and it’s time to move on, I know that the last thing I want to do is keep my husband from seeing our kids. Just because we suck doesn’t mean it has to be a messy situation, especially for the kids.

Ultimately, the effort (and anguish) of dealing with our issues is way better than the alternative. Who knows what the future will bring but for the time being we are going to fight. He has already made tremendous efforts and now it’s my turn to get over the hurt, resentment, and just all the shit that has piled up and been ignored for so long. Once upon a time we loved each other and we need to rediscover the reasons we said “I do” in the first place.

We’ve started counseling and we are both cautiously optimistic that it might work this time. My husband is ready to make everything all better and has made some amazing strides to keep us together.  Who knew that ignoring the issues and letting the resentment build up would make it so hard to forgive and move forward on my end. Huh, conflict avoidance doesn’t work. Who knew? I’m not sure where counseling will take us (we’ve only gone a couple of times) but we are ready to put in the hard work. The hardest part? Letting go, breaking down titanium walls, and accepting that things will be different this time. He’s changed his outlook on life and expectations, and me, and the kids. I sure do hope it’s a permanent change. I sure do hope that I can change my attitude before it infects him and ruins all the hard work he has been doing. I sure hope that we don’t severely mess up our kids in the process. I sure hope I don’t turn frumpy…oh wait, that’s a different post. Sorry. I sure hope that we can look back on the beginning of our marriage and say “wow, we wasted so many years being miserable but I’m so glad we are happy now.” I sure hope we can set a good example for our kids so that they know not to give up, to fight for what you want, to not get complacent with those that you love.

These past few months have been incredibly hard. I’ve shied away from writing because the pain is too raw to show the world, yet it’s all consuming and I can’t find the energy to write about anything else. I’m not depressed but I’m feeling blue. I have been feeling tired, overwhelmed, mentally on the edge, ready to snap, ready to cry, ready to fall down. I’m hoping that feeling ok to write again (about something more than snot build up and trips to NYC) means maybe I’m healing. I might be crazy, ok, I am crazy, but maybe, just maybe, rock bottom is below me and not head-level anymore. Maybe.

Lily

 

Equal parts awesome and HFS scary!

My son discovered his hidden talent over the holiday weekend. I always knew he was a good climber but seriously?

This was the first day...

This was the second...

For reference…

This is my husband installing the same swing, standing on a 40 foot extension ladder.

Bud has decided he wants to start a business climbing ropes. I told him he could join the circus…thankfully he didn’t like that idea. However, he would like to charge people to watch him. I told him best of luck. (Am.erica’s G.ot Tale.nt, anyone??)

Here's some video...

(And sorry if it's off the page a little, Blogger is being a witch)

I'm incredibly proud of him and equally scared for his life if this what he does before he's even 6.

Although, as my mom aptly pointed out, he'll climb 40 feet yet won't ride his bike without training wheels. To each his own.

Lily

Big News!

No, I’m not pregnant, let’s get that right out of the way. Two’s plenty, thanks.

My office is on the crest of some big changes (people leaving, the structure of the office changing, etc.) and it’s been a big topic of conversation among us about what shape the changes will take, when they will happen, etc. The sad part is I work with a great group of ladies. A person couldn’t ask for better co-workers and I will be extremely sad to see a couple of them go. I won’t just be losing great co-workers, I’ll be losing great friends, and that makes me very sad. However, it’s the right thing for them to do. There are many reasons for them to move on and all the reasons make sense, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it.

But with these changes comes opportunity. Opportunity for me to advance and get paid more. The three of us had a very good discussion a couple of weeks ago and it was brought up that the position I really want (when it comes open) may require a higher education then a Bachelor’s degree. I’ve given it a lot of thought, discussed it with my husband, etc. and I’ve decided  I’m going to pursue my Master’s degree! (Holy crap holy crap holy crap). The thought was planted because of the possibility of that job but the more I think about it the more it makes sense that, no matter what, I get my master’s. The thing is, the college I work for has a great benefit. They offer classes to staff for $20 a class. Whether it be undergrad or grad class, it’s still $20. Which means, I can earn my Master’s degree from a prestigious university for $140. It will take me 4 years because I’ll only be able to do one class per semester but still. $140 people!!! $140!!!! I’d be stupid not to!

I started by talking with my friend who handles the administrative stuff for the MAT and MA programs (and one of the people who will be leaving at some point - sniffle). She gave me great advice and helped guide me with my decisions. Then I met with the chair of the English department to see if she thought it was possible for me to pursue. The university doesn’t have a large MA program and it’s been several years since anyone has pursued a master’s in English so she said it was definitely possible but we’d have to have more conversations about the shape of my program. (It will be individualized for me.)  I didn’t want to approach my boss with the idea unless I knew for certain I could do this and was starting to get pumped up after speaking with the chair of English.

So yesterday, after talking with my friend again, I decided it was time to bite the bullet and talk to my boss. I was very nervous about her reaction. My boss is great and is always supportive of me doing things to advance my career (I’m lucky) but this is a big commitment. It will mean time out of the office (the university doesn’t have night classes so every class will be during working hours), it will mean altering my hours so I could make up time, it would be asking my co-workers to pick up my slack while I’m out of the office. I realize that this doesn’t just affect me and I was afraid she’d see it as too much of a disruption. So with frayed nerves and a shaky voice I walked into my bosses office and asked if she had a few minutes to talk. I had hemmed and hawed about how to approach her, what to say, and what points to bring up. As soon as I said “I’d like to pursue my master’s” she immediately said “great!” GREAT! After that I calmed down considerably and we had a very good discussion about my plan. She thinks it's a great idea and is very supportive of the whole thing. She said we would "make it work." How can I ask for more than that?

I’m going to take a couple of grad classes prior to matriculating in the program (partly so I can see if I’m up to the challenge and the other part to give the department an opportunity to see my work before they commit). I’ll be able to apply those courses (up to 2) once I matriculate so it will work out well. I’ll have to do 7 courses and then a thesis. It’s a little scary to think of all the work involved but I hope I can keep my eye on the prize. It will be such a rewarding goal to accomplish.

So there it is. I’m going to be a master’s student. HOLY CRAP Let the fun begin!

Lily

Pimp My Ride

via

The time is coming for me to get a new car. Mine is slowly but surely on its way out. It’s 10 years old now and steadily there is more and more going wrong like the external temperature display isn’t working…the horror!. We’ve done a lot of soul searching discussing and we’ve determined that we need more than 5 seats. Yes, we are a family of 4 but we often have people riding with us and as we look to the future and our kids start having friends over we are going to need to fit more people in our car (especially with the bulky car seats being required until 80 pounds. My kids will be in high school before they are out of a booster). Not to mention that when my parents come up we have to take two cars to go somewhere, someone gets left behind, or one of us sits in the trunk. (It’s super safe, I swear. The spare tire that is in there because the latch broke that keeps it under the car is really good at keeping movement to a minimum.)

So we have been pouring over car websites trying to determine what is best for us. We could go with 7 passengers and get something like the Sorrento or the Explorer. We could go 8 passenger and get a Pilot or a Traverse. Or…we could…gulp…get a minivan. AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Perhaps the thought of a minivan wouldn’t be so traumatic if I wasn’t also turning 30 this year. It’s just, the thought of turning 30 and driving a minivan makes me…I don’t know, sad. I’m not a soccer mom! Next thing you know I’ll be buying mom jeans and getting excited about my husband building a shed in our backyard. Shit, that’s already happened. Why do minivans have to be so darn practical? It’s really rather inconvenient.

We haven’t decided one way or another yet but so far I’ve determined that if I’m going to give in and be a soccer mom get a minivan, I’m not going to settle. It’s the Honda Odyssey or nothing. Have you seen those things? It’s like a super pimped out mom-mobile! Add a little hydraulics and some sparkly paint and I could cruise even the toughest neighborhoods and get the respect of all those that laid eyes on my ride. Not to mention that I could keep the kids distracted while we roll past the drug dealers and working girls with the built-in DVD players with surround sound. Holla! (I should mention that we’d have to drive a long way to find any neighborhoods with drug dealers and working girls roaming the streets but look how handy those built-in DVD players would be so we could make the ride in peace!)

Now, the pimped out mom-mobile doesn’t come cheap. Actually it’s just as expensive as the nicest Pilot or Traverse you can get, so really, is it worth my anguish of owning a minivan? We shall see. Until then I will secretly daydream about cruisin’ ‘round town in my pimped out mom-mobile and cry in my mom jeans about what my life is coming to.

Lily

Cracked maybe...but still half full

I’m a glass half full type of gal. I prefer to see rainbows and unicorns and prancing fairies rather than the pickpocket stealing from the leprechaun or the malnourished kittens. But sometimes that damn unicorn trips over the rainbow, squashes the all the pretty fairies and comes face to face with the dying kittens. I’m left feeling dazed and jaded.

My husband and I are going through a rough patch right now and I find myself once again in a fight for my sanity. We’ve never been the perfect couple (despite what we show the world) and there have been several times I wasn’t sure if we’d make it out the other side.

This time is rough. I find myself randomly singing in my head “Should I stay or should I go” over and over again. The thing is, I want to stay. I want the life we sometimes have to pretend we have. I want to see where we go and how we get there. I want my children to have both parents in the same house. I want to be a happy family.

But I also don’t want my children to see a broken marriage. I don’t want them to think a relationship in turmoil is par for the course and have them fall into the same thing because it’s all they've ever known. I don’t want to be in a perpetual state of anxiety and stress.

We are both to blame. We put on a good show but we are terrible at communicating and gloss things over long enough until they explode. Our last rough patch ended up being very good for us. We started communicating better and things were going well. This latest rough patch just sort of sprang up and made us realize that we were slipping back into our old routines.

Old habits die hard. I’m hoping this time we can keep being honest with each other and stop the glossing over thing that has ruled our lives. It’s not easy. I prefer to gloss things over. But I also see how destructive it is. We both need to man up and face our issues like adults. (Crap, when did we become the adults?)

I wasn’t going to share our struggles here but it’s pretty all consuming and, as you may have noticed in my couple of weeks of silence, I couldn't come up with anything else to write about. I’m hoping getting this off my chest will help the other words flow better. I started this blog to have an outlet. It seems silly that I would go silent just when I need the outlet the most. So there it is. We are broken right now but trying like hell to fix it. 

Lily

Friday Flashback

This is my 8th grade graduation picture. Puberty at it's finest!

All I can say is thank goodness for lessons in hair product and good posture. 

(Oh, and thank goodness braces are behind me too.)

TGIF!

Lily

She's no Ryan Gosling

Have you ever had to have a straight-faced conversation about kettle bells with a nude woman in a locker room. It’s a little unsettling. I’ve never tried so hard to focus on someone’s eyes. And the more I tried to make my escape the more she found topics to discuss. It didn’t help that she was drying off her legs and then vigorously towel drying her hair. I had all I could do to not run screaming from the locker room yelling “MY EYES! MY EYES!” (Friends anyone?)

I actually started the conversation, but in my defense, when I asked her my question the towel was wrapped around her body. I didn’t expect her to whip it off and start doing jumping jacks in front of me! When I change I still cower into a corner and pray no one comes over as I switch into my sports bra. Granted, I’m much less reserved than when I was younger (childbirth will do that to you) but I still don’t want a show when I ask if she’ll be teaching a kettle bells class this summer.

 Via

Lily

Friday Flashback

Last week’s Friday Flashback was so well received that I thought I would embarrass myself even more this week. As you can see, my friends and I had high modeling aspirations. I don’t know why we never got “discovered.” With a portfolio like mine it just goes to show how hard it is to make it in the business. I probably should have kept the heart bedspread backdrop for this picture. I think my penguin collection was probably too distracting and unprofessional. But it's good to know I stayed consistent with the crutches in the corner. 

Lily

Friday Flashback

Jump for Joy!! It's FRIDAY!!!!

After a stressful week I really just want to kick back and relax and think about more care-free times, such as when me and my friends would stage photo shoots in my bedroom. Do you see how the talent just radiates from this entire picture? From the artistic backdrop (the duffle bags holding up the comforter really add to the artistic element, no?), to the casual props (doesn't everyone have crutches in the corner of their bedroom?), to the height of fashion in workout clothes  gymnast wear  early 90's couture what I am wearing. I believe this picture HAS IT ALL! You're welcome.

Happy Friday everyone! It's been a loooong week but my schedule should be getting much better. Thanks for staying with me!

Lily