Friday, June 29, 2012

Thanks Sarcasm Goddess

I’ve been a crappy blogger lately, but even so, the awesomeness that is the Sarcasm Goddess deemed me worthy enough to receive the Kreativ Blogger award. I thank her for (I assume) drinking heavily before deciding on the recipients. Not certain of my chances were she sober. With great power comes great responsibility and as such there are rules involved in accepting this award.

The Rules:
1. Thank and link back to the awarding blog (check)
2. Answer Seven Questions (uncheck)
3. Provide 10 random factoids about yourself (semi check)
4. Hand the award on to 7 deserving others. (check)

Unlike the rebel Sarcasm Goddess I like to follow rules. However, I’m also incredibly lazy and since she didn’t follow the rules and answer the 7 questions I have no idea what the 7 questions are. I suppose I could click a link or two from her blog and figure it out but that would involve effort and motivation, neither of which are hallmarks of my character. Alas, let’s move on to 10 random facts about me.

10 Random Facts

1. I’m the proud  happy driver a brand new mom-mobile minivan (which I haven’t posted picture of yet but really, you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all)

2. I can only whistle by sucking air in, not out. I’m uber talented.

3. I’ve been in the same position at work for 5 years and I’m itching for something better.

4. I’ll be starting master’s classes in the fall. (Ok, so you already know that but 10 factoids is really hard you guys, and I’m only on #4!)

5. I’ve been accused of doing things half-assed but I think that’s a lie.

Ok, now on to the part that everyone has been waiting for. The moment when I reveal who I’m passing the award on to! Drum roll please. Are you sitting appropriately at the edge of your seats? Are you biting your nails? I’m just stalling because I have no idea who I’m picking.

In my own secret order no particular order:

Go forth and prosper


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Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Why I Suck at Life

I’m a procrastinator. Like an uber-procrastinator. This time I’ve really screwed myself. My in-laws watch our kids all year but ask for a few months off in the summer so they can enjoy life travel and just relax. I knew that come July we’d need to have another babysitter in place. I knew this. Yet, here I am 5 days from needing a new babysitter and I don’t have one. In my defense I have called around and no one is available but perhaps I would have had better odds if I made those calls before this week.

Not only am I a procrastinator but I’m also a terrible decision maker. So is the husband. Together we suck. We procrastinate until we absolutely have to do something, then we never know what the right decision is so we procrastinate some more. I’m not certain how our kids have survived. It’s really a vicious cycle.

So now here I am, days away from certain death, and I have no idea what to do. We’d like to have someone who lives in our town, that way in an emergency my in-laws are close (and I’m 20 minutes away), but one of the downsides of living in a small town and knowing everyone’s business is that you are well aware of people’s issues and don’t want to get involved in that mess. Ignorance is bliss when in desperate need of childcare sometimes.

So I’m praying to the childcare gods to plop someone in our laps (clearly this is a very effective childcare search tool) and save us from ourselves by next week. Hmmm, I wonder how much vacation time I have saved up. I might be (cough cough) sick on Monday…maybe even the next two months. I’m sure my boss would totally be ok if I called in sick for two months straight. 


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Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Conversations with Smidge

Smidge hurt her knee and has been limping walking around with an immobilizer for a few weeks now. I asked how it was going and what follows is our conversation...

Smidge: It still hurts and now like my shin is hurting from the brace I think and my upper thigh from the weight of the brace so that’s not fun. BUT I could bend it more so that’s very good. And I think I figured out a way to help with the slipping (cause the dumb thing starts off at the right spot but then after you walk like 10 steps it slowly slides down your leg a little) I put an ace bandage under it right by the bottom to help it (and hopefully take some of the strain off my shin too) so far it is helping but ask again later please.

Me: How annoying! Good thinking about the ace bandage though. But just think, you’re thigh will be ripped by the time you are done wearing the brace. Then of course your other leg won’t be so you’ll be all lopsided but hey, one strong leg is better than no strong legs, am I right?

Smidge: I’m not sure you are….I mean sure it will be kinda cool to have one side all hulk like but how will I find  pants that fit right?

Me: Excellent point. But! If you are ripped that much you could probably just wear shorts all the time. Problem solved!

Smidge: You my dear are a problem solver if I ever did see one… well done

That conversation was followed by this conversation just minutes later…

Smidge: What are you doing for child care during the summer?

Me: We have to find someone for July and August. I have no idea who that is going to be! (And yes, I’m fully aware that time is a’tickin.)

Smidge: Whatever you totally have lots of time to find someone. Like a Whole month…well ok not a whole month but like 2 weeks (Ok, so this conversation is a few weeks old, you caught me. Writers block is a bitch.) and that’s lots of time to find a care giver for your kids…worse comes to worse you just set up like a play area in the backyard and leave some toys and food in a box for them, you know like you do with a dog.

Me: My kids are terrified of bugs so I’d just leave them locked in the house. That way they have access to the pantry and stove. Bud is totally old enough to make grilled cheese or macaroni!

Smidge: Even better! Plus then you could just put on a movie for them or nick jr and that should keep them out of trouble. My mom used to use the TV as a babysitter ALL the time…and I turned out just fine ;-)

Me: I use Nick Jr as a babysitter all the time so they would totally be fine. Plus Bud knows how to work the TV so if they got bored of that he could just change it. As long as I left drinks out for them they would totally be ok.

Smidge: Then there you have it a perfectly good plan…problem solved once again, we are on a roll today

Me: Man, at this rate we should really try to tackle more serious world issues. I mean, we might be able to achieve world peace at the rate we are going.

Smidge: Or hunger! That would be a big one

Me: Oooh! See! Man, we are just SHARP this morning! I think that deserves some chocolate! 3 Musketeers bar it is!

Smidge: I have peanut butter cups! But I’m saving it for later…right now I got myself some tea

Me: Tea does fit in well with the whole world peace thing. Good choice.

Smidge: It’s very adult of me right…and I’m sure you agree that the 6 sugars I put in there doesn’t make it any less adult like

Me: No, not at all! When life gives you tea, make sweet tea. Isn’t that the saying?

Smidge: Yeah I think that’s it

Happy Tuesday Peeps.


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Friday, June 22, 2012


Dear Bud,

Wow! You finished kindergarten and lost your first tooth all in the same day! I still can’t believe that you are old enough to be losing teeth let alone being ready to start 1st grade! I mean sure, every kid is bound to grow up, but it’s all a little surreal that I’m old enough to have a child old enough to lose his teeth.

You had a little rough experience losing your first tooth. I was not home so this is the story as you and Dad retold it.

After Dad cut your hair and gave you a bath he noticed your tooth hanging at a 90 degree angle from the rest of your teeth. It was definitely time to pull it! So he rigged up a slip knot with some dental floss (did you know Dad has serious MacGyver skills? He does.) and, after quite a few tries and with the aid of a tooth pick, he got it slipped over your tooth. He didn’t want to traumatize you so he let you try a few tugs to see if you could get it out. You’re too much like me and made a few half hearted attempts but the tooth remained attached. Dad waited until you were distracted (probably by Kitty Witty Ranger) and when he saw you weren’t paying attention he popped it out. Your tooth went flying and hit the ground. You and Babe immediately started jumping around and cheering! (I really wish I was there for that part!) You didn’t cry and said it hurt only a little. You’re a very big boy! Dad put a tissue in your mouth to stop the bleeding, which didn’t take long. Shortly after the big event I called to say I was on my way home. You and Dad told me the good news and then Dad said your tummy wasn’t feeling too good. We talked for a bit longer until he said “Oh no, Bud just threw up. Gotta go!” He put you back in the shower and hosed you off and you told him you had to go to the bathroom. You proceeded to empty your body of any matter in your digestive tract. He said you turned pale and he was afraid you were going to pass out. Scary! Thankfully, by the time I got home you were back to your rambunctious self with an eventful tale to tell of losing your first tooth.

I’m not sure what caused the vomiting and diarrhea but I think you might have some of Dad in you too and your body doesn’t handle any sort of trauma (shots, etc.) very well and that was your physical reaction. I sincerely hope you don’t have this reaction every time you lose a tooth!

I knew if we put your ity bity tooth under your pillow it would never be found so I had you set it next to your bed on the window sill so the Tooth Fairy would have easy access. You’re always a good sport! 

You told us a few days ago that you hoped the Tooth Fairy brought you half dollars. You already stole took all the half dollars we had and put them in your piggy bank so we had to settle for the Sacagawea dollar coin. It wasn’t exactly what you wanted but a little disappointment never hurt anyone you had a big ol grin on your face when you saw the coin. I know it was an ok substitute from your reaction and I’m glad.

I’m excited to see what your smile will look like when that first adult tooth pops through. All I know is that right now, I love your smile!

I love you forever,


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Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Thought Vomit Tuesday

So you might not know this about me but I think about some really random crap. (I know! Hard to believe, right!) Most of the time I spare you guys the details but I have come across the perfect platform to spew my mind vomit all across the Internet. 

Thought Vomit Thursdays was brought to my attention by Josey over at “My Cheap Version of therapy”
 (Go ahead and click the link. She’s fun. The first link will bring you to her home page, the second will bring you to her first TVT post.)

Here goes…

It’s been a while since I Thought Vomited and while it’s not Thursday, the day begins with a T so it still fits nicely into my TVT label that I use for all my Thought Vomit Thursday posts. Things like this are important to me people!

SO! Let’s vomit, shall we?!

We might be buying a new car tonight. At the least we are going to the car dealership to see what kind of deal we can get. Swagger wagon HERE I COME! I’ve decided that if I really do get a minivan (it all depends on the deals we can swing) I’m going to own that bitch! I shall not duck down when driving past people I know. I shall not shudder each time I say I drive a minivan (ok, this one might take some time). I shall not cry each morning as I get the kids into the car minivan. Instead I will honk my horn and wave to all that I pass, I will throw back my shoulders and hold my head high when I say I drive a minivan (again, that one will need work), and I will only cry as I get into the minivan when I hit my head on the door I swear I’ve never done that before.    Twice. So bring it on Swagger Wagon! Bring. It. On. Sniffle, sob, sniffle

Umm, I have a son who’s old enough to lose a tooth. When did that happen?? Said tooth hasn’t actually been lost yet but it’s wiggling something fierce! One good tug and it’s out of there…but then we need someone willing to actually give it one good tug. I can’t squish a bug, you think I’m going to rip bone matter out of my sons mouth? Bud won’t do it himself (no matter how much I pester him to) and my husband said he could do it but doesn’t want him to be fearful whenever he has a loose tooth. It’s totally normal to have loose teeth dangling from your mouth when you graduate high school, right?

So tell me your loose tooth stories. Did you yank that sucker out? Put a string around it and slam the door? Inquiring minds want to know!

Babe is getting too smart for her own good. As I’ve said before, it makes me fearful for the teenage years. Her new word is Stupid (yeah, it goes over REAL well) and the other day she clearly called me “Stupid mommy” so of course I told her “Nut uh, you’re stupid” and stuck my tongue out at her. I told her we don’t say stupid because it’s not nice. She looked me right in the eyes and said, “I didn’t say stupid I said Snoopy.” Then she turned and walked away. Touché little girl! Touché!

I think that about does it. It was a short bout of vomiting but fun nonetheless. Peace out.


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Monday, June 18, 2012


I took a half day on Friday so I could attend Bud’s Kindergarten recognition program. (It is NOT a graduation, let’s be clear on this!) (Are we clear?) (Good!) Two other people in my office (of 5 people) were also going to be out so I felt bad for asking to leave but it was Bud’s graduation recognition program! I had to go! Thankfully, as I’ve mentioned before, I have a great boss so she was perfectly fine with me leaving. However, we had to joke about them calling me back in case the bus pulled up and dropped off thousands of students with pressing issues only I could help them with (please note the sarcasm – summer on this college campus is d.e.a.d).

When I got a phone call from my boss at about 2:30 I thought for sure she was calling to jokingly tell me I had to come back. (Yeah, she would call just to harass me. I told you she’s awesome.) Instead, she caught me completely off guard and told me that I was receiving a bonus (one of a select few on campus) due to my extraordinary performance. I’m getting a one-time lump sum worth 5% of my salary! Can you say AWESOME!!! My boss nominated me and her boss approved it!

This comes at an excellent time because now we can afford to put a little extra down on my swagger wagon. (Still not fully convinced I should drive a minivan but it sure is looking like that’s what will happen.)

I didn’t even know this bonus program was a thing but I guess it’s a pilot program and I’m one of the first recipients. Not gunna lie, I’m pretty excited about this!

Next step…world domination!


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Sunday, June 17, 2012

Father's Day Mad Libs

What father's day is complete without an awesome card from your kids? This year my husband got the best card ever!

It reads:
Dear strong Daddy,
I Love you so much! You are the fastest dad in the whole museum
Thank you for eating ice cream, riding bike with a carriage, and most especially for bull riding.
I love you more than ramen noodles, more than my dump truck, and even more than pokemon.
I think you're funny when you play studio,(what?) I love it when you give kisses, I love it when you wear t-shirts, and I love it when you tell me eat your chili. Tall! (He had to make sure he said tall because my husband is "SO TALL")
Thank you for being my reindeer. (Um, ok)

I love you daddy,
Scooby Do

Happy Fathers Day to all the dads! Even the non- t-shirt wearing short ones!


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Wednesday, June 13, 2012

So I will continue to be a pack rat

I am a pack rat. I keep everything just in case. My pack rat ways always seem to be reinforced just when I think I get a handle on it. You know how you get a new checkbook register each time you order checkbooks? You know how many lines each register has? The answer is a lot more than the number of checks in each checkbook. I was getting quite a collection of registers so I finally decided to throw them away. I felt a little triumphant tossing them in the garbage, like I was finally doing something about my hoarding. Until the following week when I realized I was at the end of my current register. Now I have no register and I still have three whole check books left. Figures.

I've learned another lesson too. Sticky notes come in handy when you run out of space in your checkbook register. Also, a person cannot have too many sticky notes. 


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Thursday, June 7, 2012

Big News!

No, I’m not pregnant, let’s get that right out of the way. Two’s plenty, thanks.

My office is on the crest of some big changes (people leaving, the structure of the office changing, etc.) and it’s been a big topic of conversation among us about what shape the changes will take, when they will happen, etc. The sad part is I work with a great group of ladies. A person couldn’t ask for better co-workers and I will be extremely sad to see a couple of them go. I won’t just be losing great co-workers, I’ll be losing great friends, and that makes me very sad. However, it’s the right thing for them to do. There are many reasons for them to move on and all the reasons make sense, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it.

But with these changes comes opportunity. Opportunity for me to advance and get paid more. The three of us had a very good discussion a couple of weeks ago and it was brought up that the position I really want (when it comes open) may require a higher education then a Bachelor’s degree. I’ve given it a lot of thought, discussed it with my husband, etc. and I’ve decided  I’m going to pursue my Master’s degree! (Holy crap holy crap holy crap). The thought was planted because of the possibility of that job but the more I think about it the more it makes sense that, no matter what, I get my master’s. The thing is, the college I work for has a great benefit. They offer classes to staff for $20 a class. Whether it be undergrad or grad class, it’s still $20. Which means, I can earn my Master’s degree from a prestigious university for $140. It will take me 4 years because I’ll only be able to do one class per semester but still. $140 people!!! $140!!!! I’d be stupid not to!

I started by talking with my friend who handles the administrative stuff for the MAT and MA programs (and one of the people who will be leaving at some point - sniffle). She gave me great advice and helped guide me with my decisions. Then I met with the chair of the English department to see if she thought it was possible for me to pursue. The university doesn’t have a large MA program and it’s been several years since anyone has pursued a master’s in English so she said it was definitely possible but we’d have to have more conversations about the shape of my program. (It will be individualized for me.)  I didn’t want to approach my boss with the idea unless I knew for certain I could do this and was starting to get pumped up after speaking with the chair of English.

So yesterday, after talking with my friend again, I decided it was time to bite the bullet and talk to my boss. I was very nervous about her reaction. My boss is great and is always supportive of me doing things to advance my career (I’m lucky) but this is a big commitment. It will mean time out of the office (the university doesn’t have night classes so every class will be during working hours), it will mean altering my hours so I could make up time, it would be asking my co-workers to pick up my slack while I’m out of the office. I realize that this doesn’t just affect me and I was afraid she’d see it as too much of a disruption. So with frayed nerves and a shaky voice I walked into my bosses office and asked if she had a few minutes to talk. I had hemmed and hawed about how to approach her, what to say, and what points to bring up. As soon as I said “I’d like to pursue my master’s” she immediately said “great!” GREAT! After that I calmed down considerably and we had a very good discussion about my plan. She thinks it's a great idea and is very supportive of the whole thing. She said we would "make it work." How can I ask for more than that?

I’m going to take a couple of grad classes prior to matriculating in the program (partly so I can see if I’m up to the challenge and the other part to give the department an opportunity to see my work before they commit). I’ll be able to apply those courses (up to 2) once I matriculate so it will work out well. I’ll have to do 7 courses and then a thesis. It’s a little scary to think of all the work involved but I hope I can keep my eye on the prize. It will be such a rewarding goal to accomplish.

So there it is. I’m going to be a master’s student. HOLY CRAP Let the fun begin!


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Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Just a few minutes

I love nighttime. Nighttime means sleep. I enjoy sleep. (I know, I’m really unique.) I can’t wait to get to sleep. Sitting at my desk all day I daydream about snuggling under my covers and just drifting off to blissful sleep. I crave it. What I don’t crave is the chaos involved in getting there. Chaos is even too nice a word. What’s more hectic than chaos? Whatever it is describes my house at bedtime.

Last night I had a revelation. The word-more-hectic-than-chaos is all my fault. (Isn’t everything the mother’s fault?) Because I’m so anxious to get in my bed, I get snappy at the kids when they don’t move fast enough (with Bud that’s EVERYTHING he does. He’s much like the Coyote when he runs off a cliff. His legs are still moving a mile a minute but he doesn’t actually GO anywhere.) I get all riled up and it puts everyone in a bad mood. Instead of taking the time to help the kids get their PJ’s on I yell at them when they don’t do it fast enough for my liking. (They are almost 6 and almost 3, why can’t they be responsible enough to get themselves ready for bed yet, is that so unreasonable?) (That was sarcasm by the way.) I try to brush my teeth while Bud brushes his. I yell at him for getting toothpaste all over. I get mad because Babe won’t sit still for me to brush hers. Then I get on edge when they come out of their rooms a bazillion times to ask a question/get a drink/make us go into the bathroom with them because they are afraid to go by themselves. Now, those stalling tactics I’m sure are the same in every house. The part that is my fault is my reaction. I start by getting on edge. Then it morphs into frustration. Then it becomes anger. Then it’s an explosion! GO THE F*CK TO SLEEP. (Ok, so I don’t actually curse at my kids but I can’t be held responsible for what I think in my head).

Last night I was able to identify the real issue. I think I was scrambling to get to bed (besides the sleep part) because I needed the alone time. I need the quiet and the me-time. So I tried something different. I helped the kids get their PJ’s on. I helped Bud get the toothpaste on his brush. I talked with Babe while I was brushing her teeth so I could keep her attention. I realize none of these things are new to the parenting realm. I realize I’m not going to get a book deal based on my amazing revelations in to the way kids work. But it’s so easy to forget how to manipulate get the best behavior out of your kids when you are so focused on something else, on yourself. I’m not saying the night was perfect. Babe still did her nightly cruise around the top floor of our house while the rest of tried to sleep, she still kicked us in the face and wedged her way in between me and my husband. The difference was I lowered my expectations for bedtime. I slowed it down and focused on them. Once they were tucked in their beds I got my alone time in the bathroom brushing my teeth, putting on my pajamas. I had a few minutes of quiet all to myself. Just a few minutes. It was enough. I came to bed smiling rather than stomping. I still longed for sleep but I was able to fall asleep without a scowl on my face. Without the weight of feeling like a bad mother. I felt better.

This was only one night. The true measure will be next week, next month. Can I keep sight of my behavior and check myself when I find the frustration coming? I hope so. Now I’m looking forward to those few minutes of quiet. Just a few minutes.


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Monday, June 4, 2012

Pimp My Ride

The time is coming for me to get a new car. Mine is slowly but surely on its way out. It’s 10 years old now and steadily there is more and more going wrong like the external temperature display isn’t working…the horror!. We’ve done a lot of soul searching discussing and we’ve determined that we need more than 5 seats. Yes, we are a family of 4 but we often have people riding with us and as we look to the future and our kids start having friends over we are going to need to fit more people in our car (especially with the bulky car seats being required until 80 pounds. My kids will be in high school before they are out of a booster). Not to mention that when my parents come up we have to take two cars to go somewhere, someone gets left behind, or one of us sits in the trunk. (It’s super safe, I swear. The spare tire that is in there because the latch broke that keeps it under the car is really good at keeping movement to a minimum.)

So we have been pouring over car websites trying to determine what is best for us. We could go with 7 passengers and get something like the Sorrento or the Explorer. We could go 8 passenger and get a Pilot or a Traverse. Or…we could…gulp…get a minivan. AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Perhaps the thought of a minivan wouldn’t be so traumatic if I wasn’t also turning 30 this year. It’s just, the thought of turning 30 and driving a minivan makes me…I don’t know, sad. I’m not a soccer mom! Next thing you know I’ll be buying mom jeans and getting excited about my husband building a shed in our backyard. Shit, that’s already happened. Why do minivans have to be so darn practical? It’s really rather inconvenient.

We haven’t decided one way or another yet but so far I’ve determined that if I’m going to give in and be a soccer mom get a minivan, I’m not going to settle. It’s the Honda Odyssey or nothing. Have you seen those things? It’s like a super pimped out mom-mobile! Add a little hydraulics and some sparkly paint and I could cruise even the toughest neighborhoods and get the respect of all those that laid eyes on my ride. Not to mention that I could keep the kids distracted while we roll past the drug dealers and working girls with the built-in DVD players with surround sound. Holla! (I should mention that we’d have to drive a long way to find any neighborhoods with drug dealers and working girls roaming the streets but look how handy those built-in DVD players would be so we could make the ride in peace!)

Now, the pimped out mom-mobile doesn’t come cheap. Actually it’s just as expensive as the nicest Pilot or Traverse you can get, so really, is it worth my anguish of owning a minivan? We shall see. Until then I will secretly daydream about cruisin’ ‘round town in my pimped out mom-mobile and cry in my mom jeans about what my life is coming to.


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